Running This Race Called "Life"

Photo credit to my sister,
Cynthia Colson

Imagine that life - with all its twists and turns and decisions and issues - is one of those muddy, obstacle-filled Spartan races. Now imagine having to run that race on crutches. That’s life with a brain injury. I have all the same hills to climb and obstacles to navigate as everyone else - parenting (we are in the pre-adult/college decision/freedom-giving stage right now), marriage (it's awesome, but definitely not easy), regular adulting (laundry, bills, cooking), etc. - but I'm trying to run this race on crutches (so to speak). I keep getting stuck in the mud, and I'm exhausted.

I went to bed last night overwhelmed with it all. I'm tired. So very tired of trying to do life with half my brain tied behind my back. It makes everything hard - what to have for dinner, "can I handle doing laundry and going to the store all in the same day?", even planning a family get-away (ever thought about how many details go into leaving town for a few days?).

***I know this is sounding like a pity party. Stay with me. God is teaching me something, and I'm getting to it. Just setting the scene here***

So I went to bed just "done" and frustrated that, by not healing me, God is asking me to keep going, even with my injury. I was tired and mad at God.

This morning, I woke up with this idea of a race still on my mind. I opened the First 5 app while I waited for my kids to come down to breakfast (It's a wonderful app that helps me focus on God first
thing in the morning. I highly recommend it.). Today's passage was Psalm 73. I encourage you to read the whole thing, but I'll give you a summary. The author of the psalm is fussing at God about how the wicked seem to succeed while he - a God-follower - is struggling. Verse 3 particularly stuck out at me - "For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." Tweak one or two words, and you get my perspective - "For I was envious of the healthy when I saw the ease of life of everyone around me."

As I read on, I found myself really relating to the author. He's talking about how unfair things seem. I get that! But I kept reading. In verse 23 and 24, the author - and I - got some perspective - "you hold my right hand, you guide me with your counsel". God has not left me alone in this obstacle-filled life. He is holding my hand and offering me counsel! And not just me - that offer is for everyone! Can you picture it? As we try to navigate this life, the God of the universe has offered to hold our hand and give us counsel! The psalm goes on in verse 26 with one of my favorite verses - "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." I often put the word "mind" in for "flesh" just to make it more personal.

As I run this race that is my life - as you run your race - God is offering to be our strength. He knows the race is hard - He walked this earth and navigated His own race - and He wants to hold our hand, give us advice, and strengthen us for the journey.

So what now? How do I face this new day - as I type this, my head hurts, it's a struggle just to walk a straight line, and all I want to do is go back to bed, but I have a to-do list as long as my arm. I have a race to run. So what now?

The apostle Paul mentions running a race a few times in the New Testament. He says we need to run with endurance with our eyes fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-2). He also tells us to run to win (1 Cor 9:24). And Paul sets an example of what we should be able to say at the end of our lives: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim 4:7).

I want to be able to say I "fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith". Can you imagine being able to say that at the end of our lives? That, relying on God's strength, we accomplished the things God had set out for us?

That finish line statement is only going to be true if I run each day, each hour, each minute with my eyes fixed on Jesus. I can't be looking around at other people, comparing my race to theirs. I need to let Him hold my hand and give me the strength to run this race He has set for me - day by day and, sometimes, minute by minute.

My prayer today is: Jesus, this race is hard! Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you. Help me to know that you are holding my hand and ready to give me advice as I climb the obstacles and even get stuck in the mud. Help me to run with endurance so that someday I can say that I finished the race and kept the faith.

What Do We Do When The Lights Go Out?

What do we do when it's been a really hard week? I mean so emotionally taxing that just the basic tasks are too much? When the load we have to carry seems so heavy that we are sure we can't go one more step? I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I may be the only one here with a brain injury, but unfortunately, there is a multitude of trials out there, and we all have our crosses to bear. And they do get SO heavy! What do we do? How do we keep going when it seems the light has gone out?

I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I'm usually a ray of sunshine. I joke that I walk around like a swallowed a light bulb :-) For those of you who know the enneagram, I'm an enneagram type 7 from my head to my toes. I'm almost always able to see the positives in any situation and have an easy smile for anyone, at any moment. It's just how God made me - I sparkle. But this past week, my spark went out. It's as if someone reached inside me, grabbed the pull-chain on my internal light bulb, and pulled. And the light went out.

I don't know how much you know about life with a chronic condition, but it's really hard sometimes. On top of the normal parenting, marriage, and life stuff that all have to be navigated, pile physical pain and exhaustion, never-ending medical decisions to be made, doctor visits, and the daily attacks on self-esteem that come with physical limitations. I'm not sharing all of this to whine or to ask for pity. But none of the rest of what I have to say will make any sense if I'm not honest with you about the difficulties.

Brain mapping in action - before it got
crazy painful and I started crying

I hit my emotional limit during a "brain mapping" test that I was doing last week. It's not designed to be painful, but the flashing images and random beeping caused a severe headache and had tears streaming down my face while I finished the test. We had tried something new to find answers, and it was backfiring. We spent time, money and energy on something new. Again. And just like all the things we had tried before, this one seemed like a bust.

Drew took this one during a treatment
we tried in June. Not only didn't it 
work, it left me sick for days.

As I sat there crying during that test, I felt absolutely depleted - empty of all energy - just done. I was so tired of trying things and seeing doctors that didn't work. I was over getting my hopes up just to be disappointed again. That emotional roller coaster has really taken its toll on me over the years, and I don't want to ride it any more. I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, pull up the covers, and stay for a week.

The light inside just went out. I had hit my emotional limit. The bottom.

Have you ever been there? Maybe it's not a chronic medical condition that has pushed you to your limit, but unfortunately, life is full of trials and suffering that give us more than we can handle. Have you ever felt like someone just reached inside, grabbed the pull-chain on your internal light bulb and pulled? The light is off. That's it. I'm done.

What do we do in those moments? Where do we turn?

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. All I can tell you is that here I am a few days removed, and the light is starting to shine again. So I'll share what choices I made in the hope that it will help you when your light goes out.
The first thing I have to do when I'm struggling emotionally is to acknowledge the messages my emotions are sending. Ignoring our emotions isn't healthy long term. God gave them to us for a reason. They are telling us something, and we need to listen. I tend to speak my emotions out loud in prayer. David did that too in the book of Psalms. When he felt defeated or alone, he told God all about it. You can check that out in Psalm 22 especially. I tell God exactly what I'm feeling. No fancy words or scripted prayers - just cries of my heart.

Step two is searching for what I know to be true. My emotions are real and valid. But they are not always going to lead me to truth. There is only one source of truth, and if I'm going to be healthy and find my way back from the bottom, I have to find that truth and cling to it!!! Where do I go for that truth? Straight to the Bible. Whatever my emotions are telling me, I go find the truth of God's Word that deals with those pain points. For me this week, my emotions told me that I was carrying more than I could handle and I would never be able to carry this heavy load. I intentionally went searching for what the Bible has to say about it. When I found verses that spoke to my heart with God's truth, I printed them out and taped them up so I could see them every day!

It comes down to making a choice to believe the things I know to be true and holding on to those truths with all my might until my emotions recover. It’s an act of discipline that I’ve worked really hard at over the last few years of this journey.

Here’s a for-instance - when I’m feeling all alone and forgotten, I print out the verse that says “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) I hang it up where I will see it. I focus on it. I find worship songs on Spotify that fit that theme. I drill the facts of the Bible into my head until my heart finally catches up. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean I am. I acknowledge those feelings, tell God about them, ask Him to let me feel His presence, and then remind myself of the truth that I know as many times as it takes. Emotions are wonderful messengers that we need to pay attention to, but they don’t tell the whole story. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean that I am alone.

Here are some other truths we can hang on to when the lights go out:

• He is working all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28)
• Greater is He that is in us than He who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
• Our God is for us! (Romans 8:31)
• God is our very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1)
• He who promised will be faithful (Hebrews 10:23)

(This list is adapted from Unexpected: Leave Fear Behind, Move Forward in Faith, Embrace the Adventure by Christine Caine - A book I highly recommend!)

As I cling to the truths of God's Word, my internal dimmer switch is slowly sliding up. I'm gradually starting to feel like myself again, emotionally. God is giving me His strength to face each new day and the challenges that come. When you see me sparkle (in real life or online), you will know where the light comes from :-)

A Thankful Post - Two Weeks Late :-)

Making cookies - in my pjs -
doesn't everyone?

I know I’m a few days late on the “I’m thankful for . . .” post, and I’m gonna weird it out even further by being thankful for a room in my house (don’t fuss at me - yes, I’m thankful for my family and all the normal stuff - keep reading). I’m thankful for my kitchen. And chocolate chip cookies. Yup. That’s weird, I know. But both items have been my sanity-savers over the last 3.5 years as I’ve dealt with traumatic brain injury. If you are looking for me on almost any day, you will find me in my kitchen. And I'm probably making chocolate chip cookies.

The kitchen island where all those
cookies get made

Baking has become my favorite therapeutic outlet - it’s a great way to gently stretch my brain, engage in something creative, and love on those around me (finding a way to contribute to the world when I spend so much time at home has been absolutely vital to me). In God’s perfect timing, a major remodel of our kitchen was finished just a few months before the accident that caused my brain injury. God knew what was coming and made sure I had what I would need in the toughest season of my life. He’s good like that.

Side note:

Yes, God knew I was going to fall.
Yes, God knew it was going to change my life in many ways - some of them very painful.
Yes, He could have prevented my fall.
No, I don’t know why He didn’t prevent all that I have gone through.

But

I do know that God loves me - more than I can imagine.
I know that He is good, and He will bring good from this.
His Word promises these things.
I know He is a God I can trust.
He has been faithful - SO faithful to me - all my life.
I can look back over my 43 years and see Him at work in my life time and time again.

Because I know He loves me, and because I know He’s trustworthy, I can trust Him in this situation too.
He will work it for my good.
He will heal me at the right time. His time.
In the mean time, He will walk beside me as I deal with this injury and all it involves, giving me His strength, brand new, for each day.
And He is ready to catch my tears when they fall, hear my honest (sometimes angry) questions, and occasionally, even send answers.
He is a good God.

A box of cookies with my
very own label on it - my
sister designed this label
and had them printed up
for me

On that note, back to the kitchen 🙂 Early on, brain rest got really boring, so I watched a ton of Food Network. That got my creative juices flowing, and I ended up in the kitchen when I felt up to it. I tried so many different recipes. My family was thrilled with all my experimenting, and I was happy to have a gentle way to engage my mind. Not using your brain is dull and boring!! Over the course of a year or so, I landed on a chocolate cookie recipe that was pretty decent. I played with it over a few months and tweaked it to make it my own. Then one day I decided to put a bunch of those cookies in a cute container and send them to Jazz Band with Aaron. Just like that, my new “thing” was born.

Here we are a few years later. My boxes of chocolate chip cookies have gone to the school district offices to help lift their spirits during snow season. Boxes have been delivered to the middle school - who needs cookies more than middle school teachers and office staff? Boxes greet marching band in the stands every Friday night as they support the football team. And the high school football, basketball, and track teams all get boxes after games/meets. Young Life leaders take home bags of cookies, and some preschool teachers have found them in their staff room during meetings.

Why am I telling you this? I sound so boastful! “Look at all the people I’ve given cookies too! I’m awesome!” No!! Look at what God did!! He gave me a kitchen. He helped me find a recipe that I could tweak. He helped me find a way to contribute to my community (when I desperately needed one) even though I need to spend most of my time at home. He gives me ideas of who to send cookies to. He helped my sister and I find the cute boxes. He gave my sister the fun idea of making up labels for my boxes just to make them cute, and to make those who receive them feel special. And every time I make a batch of dough, it’s because God has given me the physical and mental strength to do it. This is His story. I’m so honored to be able to tell it!

God is using a simple chocolate chip cookie to spread His love around my little town. Teenagers know they are loved. Adults know they are loved. God is doing that. He just lets me be the hands in the kitchen. And you know who is benefiting the most?? ME! I get to be the delivery girl and see the smiles on their faces. I get the “thank you” hugs. I get the therapeutic outlet of baking. I’m so thankful for my kitchen, chocolate chip cookies, and a God who lets me play a part in His story.

Can I Consider All of This Joy?

Marsh Creek State Park

I’ve been avoiding God. For three weeks or so, I’ve just been phoning it in where our relationship is concerned - doing the bare minimum. Why? Excellent question. I’m not entirely sure. I’m sitting beside a lake today (in my car because the wind is fierce, and hello, my hair) trying to figure it out.

When I left the house today, I asked God where He wanted me to go, and a picture of this lake popped into my head. I’ve come here before to get some peace and sort through things. I just stare at the water, try to calm my mind, and ask God what He needs to say to me. I don’t hear any audible voices or anything, but the absence of my usual daily distractions does allow me to pray, recall Scripture, and feel a renewed peace.

Anyway, today, as I sat there and asked God why I had been avoiding Him and what it was we needed to work out, a Bible verse very clearly came to mind: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). I immediately bristled and got prickly with God.

“No. I’m not ready to count it all joy.” - referring here to my many-years-long battle with brain injury and now struggles with walking and back pain.

But the verse was now on repeat in my head. Is this verse, this concept, why I’ve been avoiding Him? Did I know that this verse represented His new goal for me? That bar is too high. I can’t hit it. Shoot - I don’t even want to hit it.

Oh.

There’s the problem. I have no interest in calling this trial a "joy". I have no intention of obeying this Bible verse.

Talk about an eye-opener! Serious heart check moment.

Let me insert some clarification here. These posts have become a way for me to process my thoughts, pray, sort through Scripture, and figure out what God is saying to me. It’s my hope that by sharing the things God is teaching me - in very raw and honest words - someone else can be encouraged to seek answers and chase after what God is saying to her heart. As I journal my questions, doubts, and frustrations, my desire is that someone else will feel free to truly open her heart to God and trust Him to be gentle with all the broken parts. I firmly believe that Jesus wants us to come to Him just as we are - with questions, fears, doubts, frustrations, etc. So I’m putting all of mine out here and being open about the process of letting God work.

In the book of Mark (chapter 9), we read an account of a man who brings his son to Jesus for healing. The man says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus says, “All things are possible for one who believes”. The man cries out, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

That’s how I feel! I want to obey; help my disobedience!

It is my heart’s desire to obey and honor God. I want to! But to call this journey with brain injury “joy” is killing me. My spirit is in absolute opposition to it. My heels are dug in! But we don’t get to pick and choose scripture. That’s not how this works.

At this point, I spent a long time looking into James 1. Maybe somewhere I could find a wise Bible scholar who could show me what the Bible meant or how to obey this particular verse. Maybe more knowledge was what I needed. I looked up commentaries. I looked into word definitions. I learned that historians think that the author was Jesus’ brother. None of it told me how to count it all joy. So I stared at the lake and kept praying.

“Lord, I want to obey you. Please show me how.”

An author and speaker came to mind: Joni Eareckson Tada. Her story is one of honoring God in spite of becoming a quadriplegic. She is now dealing with chronic pain on top of her paralysis. I decided to google her. I could go on and on about the things I found, (if you ever want to be inspired by someone who has figured out how to live a life of joy in the midst of trials, y'all should look her up!) but here is the big gem: instead of the “how” to count my circumstances as joy, what if I looked for a “why”? So I looked for reasons for joy and found some!

Because of my situation, people are watching - my kids, folks in real life, and people on social media. Because people are watching, they will see how I respond. Because God gives me strength, I am mostly able to respond with positivity and laughter instead of sadness and despair. That gap between my natural response to this mess and the positive way I am able to react because of His strength can point those who are watching to Him! I can be a feature film about God’s kindness, and others can see Him as I navigate through this trial. That idea DOES bring me joy. That puts a huge smile in my heart.

So let’s wrap this up:

• Brain damage - not a joy
• Trouble walking - no joy there
• Daily struggles just to accomplish basic tasks - nope. No joy
• The opportunity to rely on God’s strength, to ask Him to guide my heart and mind as I respond to these trials and show His light to the world through positivity and laughter - YES! A major reason for joy!

So, starting today, I’m going to count my opportunity to show off His strength as a joy. Well, I’m gonna try. I'm bound to mess it up. But God has proven Himself to be infinitely patient as I try again. And again :-)

And I'm ordering Joni Eareckson Tada’s book “A Place Of Healing” this very minute!