Running This Race Called "Life"

Photo credit to my sister,
Cynthia Colson

Imagine that life - with all its twists and turns and decisions and issues - is one of those muddy, obstacle-filled Spartan races. Now imagine having to run that race on crutches. That’s life with a brain injury. I have all the same hills to climb and obstacles to navigate as everyone else - parenting (we are in the pre-adult/college decision/freedom-giving stage right now), marriage (it's awesome, but definitely not easy), regular adulting (laundry, bills, cooking), etc. - but I'm trying to run this race on crutches (so to speak). I keep getting stuck in the mud, and I'm exhausted.

I went to bed last night overwhelmed with it all. I'm tired. So very tired of trying to do life with half my brain tied behind my back. It makes everything hard - what to have for dinner, "can I handle doing laundry and going to the store all in the same day?", even planning a family get-away (ever thought about how many details go into leaving town for a few days?).

***I know this is sounding like a pity party. Stay with me. God is teaching me something, and I'm getting to it. Just setting the scene here***

So I went to bed just "done" and frustrated that, by not healing me, God is asking me to keep going, even with my injury. I was tired and mad at God.

This morning, I woke up with this idea of a race still on my mind. I opened the First 5 app while I waited for my kids to come down to breakfast (It's a wonderful app that helps me focus on God first
thing in the morning. I highly recommend it.). Today's passage was Psalm 73. I encourage you to read the whole thing, but I'll give you a summary. The author of the psalm is fussing at God about how the wicked seem to succeed while he - a God-follower - is struggling. Verse 3 particularly stuck out at me - "For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." Tweak one or two words, and you get my perspective - "For I was envious of the healthy when I saw the ease of life of everyone around me."

As I read on, I found myself really relating to the author. He's talking about how unfair things seem. I get that! But I kept reading. In verse 23 and 24, the author - and I - got some perspective - "you hold my right hand, you guide me with your counsel". God has not left me alone in this obstacle-filled life. He is holding my hand and offering me counsel! And not just me - that offer is for everyone! Can you picture it? As we try to navigate this life, the God of the universe has offered to hold our hand and give us counsel! The psalm goes on in verse 26 with one of my favorite verses - "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." I often put the word "mind" in for "flesh" just to make it more personal.

As I run this race that is my life - as you run your race - God is offering to be our strength. He knows the race is hard - He walked this earth and navigated His own race - and He wants to hold our hand, give us advice, and strengthen us for the journey.

So what now? How do I face this new day - as I type this, my head hurts, it's a struggle just to walk a straight line, and all I want to do is go back to bed, but I have a to-do list as long as my arm. I have a race to run. So what now?

The apostle Paul mentions running a race a few times in the New Testament. He says we need to run with endurance with our eyes fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-2). He also tells us to run to win (1 Cor 9:24). And Paul sets an example of what we should be able to say at the end of our lives: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim 4:7).

I want to be able to say I "fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith". Can you imagine being able to say that at the end of our lives? That, relying on God's strength, we accomplished the things God had set out for us?

That finish line statement is only going to be true if I run each day, each hour, each minute with my eyes fixed on Jesus. I can't be looking around at other people, comparing my race to theirs. I need to let Him hold my hand and give me the strength to run this race He has set for me - day by day and, sometimes, minute by minute.

My prayer today is: Jesus, this race is hard! Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you. Help me to know that you are holding my hand and ready to give me advice as I climb the obstacles and even get stuck in the mud. Help me to run with endurance so that someday I can say that I finished the race and kept the faith.

What Do We Do When The Lights Go Out?

What do we do when it's been a really hard week? I mean so emotionally taxing that just the basic tasks are too much? When the load we have to carry seems so heavy that we are sure we can't go one more step? I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I may be the only one here with a brain injury, but unfortunately, there is a multitude of trials out there, and we all have our crosses to bear. And they do get SO heavy! What do we do? How do we keep going when it seems the light has gone out?

I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I'm usually a ray of sunshine. I joke that I walk around like a swallowed a light bulb :-) For those of you who know the enneagram, I'm an enneagram type 7 from my head to my toes. I'm almost always able to see the positives in any situation and have an easy smile for anyone, at any moment. It's just how God made me - I sparkle. But this past week, my spark went out. It's as if someone reached inside me, grabbed the pull-chain on my internal light bulb, and pulled. And the light went out.

I don't know how much you know about life with a chronic condition, but it's really hard sometimes. On top of the normal parenting, marriage, and life stuff that all have to be navigated, pile physical pain and exhaustion, never-ending medical decisions to be made, doctor visits, and the daily attacks on self-esteem that come with physical limitations. I'm not sharing all of this to whine or to ask for pity. But none of the rest of what I have to say will make any sense if I'm not honest with you about the difficulties.

Brain mapping in action - before it got
crazy painful and I started crying

I hit my emotional limit during a "brain mapping" test that I was doing last week. It's not designed to be painful, but the flashing images and random beeping caused a severe headache and had tears streaming down my face while I finished the test. We had tried something new to find answers, and it was backfiring. We spent time, money and energy on something new. Again. And just like all the things we had tried before, this one seemed like a bust.

Drew took this one during a treatment
we tried in June. Not only didn't it 
work, it left me sick for days.

As I sat there crying during that test, I felt absolutely depleted - empty of all energy - just done. I was so tired of trying things and seeing doctors that didn't work. I was over getting my hopes up just to be disappointed again. That emotional roller coaster has really taken its toll on me over the years, and I don't want to ride it any more. I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, pull up the covers, and stay for a week.

The light inside just went out. I had hit my emotional limit. The bottom.

Have you ever been there? Maybe it's not a chronic medical condition that has pushed you to your limit, but unfortunately, life is full of trials and suffering that give us more than we can handle. Have you ever felt like someone just reached inside, grabbed the pull-chain on your internal light bulb and pulled? The light is off. That's it. I'm done.

What do we do in those moments? Where do we turn?

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. All I can tell you is that here I am a few days removed, and the light is starting to shine again. So I'll share what choices I made in the hope that it will help you when your light goes out.
The first thing I have to do when I'm struggling emotionally is to acknowledge the messages my emotions are sending. Ignoring our emotions isn't healthy long term. God gave them to us for a reason. They are telling us something, and we need to listen. I tend to speak my emotions out loud in prayer. David did that too in the book of Psalms. When he felt defeated or alone, he told God all about it. You can check that out in Psalm 22 especially. I tell God exactly what I'm feeling. No fancy words or scripted prayers - just cries of my heart.

Step two is searching for what I know to be true. My emotions are real and valid. But they are not always going to lead me to truth. There is only one source of truth, and if I'm going to be healthy and find my way back from the bottom, I have to find that truth and cling to it!!! Where do I go for that truth? Straight to the Bible. Whatever my emotions are telling me, I go find the truth of God's Word that deals with those pain points. For me this week, my emotions told me that I was carrying more than I could handle and I would never be able to carry this heavy load. I intentionally went searching for what the Bible has to say about it. When I found verses that spoke to my heart with God's truth, I printed them out and taped them up so I could see them every day!

It comes down to making a choice to believe the things I know to be true and holding on to those truths with all my might until my emotions recover. It’s an act of discipline that I’ve worked really hard at over the last few years of this journey.

Here’s a for-instance - when I’m feeling all alone and forgotten, I print out the verse that says “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) I hang it up where I will see it. I focus on it. I find worship songs on Spotify that fit that theme. I drill the facts of the Bible into my head until my heart finally catches up. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean I am. I acknowledge those feelings, tell God about them, ask Him to let me feel His presence, and then remind myself of the truth that I know as many times as it takes. Emotions are wonderful messengers that we need to pay attention to, but they don’t tell the whole story. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean that I am alone.

Here are some other truths we can hang on to when the lights go out:

• He is working all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28)
• Greater is He that is in us than He who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
• Our God is for us! (Romans 8:31)
• God is our very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1)
• He who promised will be faithful (Hebrews 10:23)

(This list is adapted from Unexpected: Leave Fear Behind, Move Forward in Faith, Embrace the Adventure by Christine Caine - A book I highly recommend!)

As I cling to the truths of God's Word, my internal dimmer switch is slowly sliding up. I'm gradually starting to feel like myself again, emotionally. God is giving me His strength to face each new day and the challenges that come. When you see me sparkle (in real life or online), you will know where the light comes from :-)

Can I Consider All of This Joy?

Marsh Creek State Park

I’ve been avoiding God. For three weeks or so, I’ve just been phoning it in where our relationship is concerned - doing the bare minimum. Why? Excellent question. I’m not entirely sure. I’m sitting beside a lake today (in my car because the wind is fierce, and hello, my hair) trying to figure it out.

When I left the house today, I asked God where He wanted me to go, and a picture of this lake popped into my head. I’ve come here before to get some peace and sort through things. I just stare at the water, try to calm my mind, and ask God what He needs to say to me. I don’t hear any audible voices or anything, but the absence of my usual daily distractions does allow me to pray, recall Scripture, and feel a renewed peace.

Anyway, today, as I sat there and asked God why I had been avoiding Him and what it was we needed to work out, a Bible verse very clearly came to mind: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). I immediately bristled and got prickly with God.

“No. I’m not ready to count it all joy.” - referring here to my many-years-long battle with brain injury and now struggles with walking and back pain.

But the verse was now on repeat in my head. Is this verse, this concept, why I’ve been avoiding Him? Did I know that this verse represented His new goal for me? That bar is too high. I can’t hit it. Shoot - I don’t even want to hit it.

Oh.

There’s the problem. I have no interest in calling this trial a "joy". I have no intention of obeying this Bible verse.

Talk about an eye-opener! Serious heart check moment.

Let me insert some clarification here. These posts have become a way for me to process my thoughts, pray, sort through Scripture, and figure out what God is saying to me. It’s my hope that by sharing the things God is teaching me - in very raw and honest words - someone else can be encouraged to seek answers and chase after what God is saying to her heart. As I journal my questions, doubts, and frustrations, my desire is that someone else will feel free to truly open her heart to God and trust Him to be gentle with all the broken parts. I firmly believe that Jesus wants us to come to Him just as we are - with questions, fears, doubts, frustrations, etc. So I’m putting all of mine out here and being open about the process of letting God work.

In the book of Mark (chapter 9), we read an account of a man who brings his son to Jesus for healing. The man says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus says, “All things are possible for one who believes”. The man cries out, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

That’s how I feel! I want to obey; help my disobedience!

It is my heart’s desire to obey and honor God. I want to! But to call this journey with brain injury “joy” is killing me. My spirit is in absolute opposition to it. My heels are dug in! But we don’t get to pick and choose scripture. That’s not how this works.

At this point, I spent a long time looking into James 1. Maybe somewhere I could find a wise Bible scholar who could show me what the Bible meant or how to obey this particular verse. Maybe more knowledge was what I needed. I looked up commentaries. I looked into word definitions. I learned that historians think that the author was Jesus’ brother. None of it told me how to count it all joy. So I stared at the lake and kept praying.

“Lord, I want to obey you. Please show me how.”

An author and speaker came to mind: Joni Eareckson Tada. Her story is one of honoring God in spite of becoming a quadriplegic. She is now dealing with chronic pain on top of her paralysis. I decided to google her. I could go on and on about the things I found, (if you ever want to be inspired by someone who has figured out how to live a life of joy in the midst of trials, y'all should look her up!) but here is the big gem: instead of the “how” to count my circumstances as joy, what if I looked for a “why”? So I looked for reasons for joy and found some!

Because of my situation, people are watching - my kids, folks in real life, and people on social media. Because people are watching, they will see how I respond. Because God gives me strength, I am mostly able to respond with positivity and laughter instead of sadness and despair. That gap between my natural response to this mess and the positive way I am able to react because of His strength can point those who are watching to Him! I can be a feature film about God’s kindness, and others can see Him as I navigate through this trial. That idea DOES bring me joy. That puts a huge smile in my heart.

So let’s wrap this up:

• Brain damage - not a joy
• Trouble walking - no joy there
• Daily struggles just to accomplish basic tasks - nope. No joy
• The opportunity to rely on God’s strength, to ask Him to guide my heart and mind as I respond to these trials and show His light to the world through positivity and laughter - YES! A major reason for joy!

So, starting today, I’m going to count my opportunity to show off His strength as a joy. Well, I’m gonna try. I'm bound to mess it up. But God has proven Himself to be infinitely patient as I try again. And again :-)

And I'm ordering Joni Eareckson Tada’s book “A Place Of Healing” this very minute!

Pride - the Thing God Hates Most is the Thing I'm Best At - Ugh

Pride has always been a major issue for me. God gives each of us gifts and abilities, but somewhere along the way, I decided that mine were more gifty and more able-y than other people.

My actual college diploma - I really
wish it listed my major - Mathematics -
but we can't have everything

It's really funny because with my "what can we do fun today?" attitude that doesn't seem to take anything seriously, people are always surprised when they discover a brain in my head. I used to be offended by their shock - "You studied math in college? Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I was there. I even taught math for a living." "But don't you have to be smart for that?" (yes, this exact conversation took place once.)  I didn't respond to that question. I just gave that person a look that let them know it had gone one step too far and she had better back up - fast. The thing is, she wasn't trying to be mean or funny. She was dead serious. She was just shocked that I had the mental capacity to be a math teacher. And I get that a lot. I'm not offended anymore. Really. Now it's just funny. Like a game. But I'm digressing here.

Between my intellect and my gifts with people, I've always been pretty pleased with how God put me

I spoke to a group of
moms on my 40th birthday
I was obviously very shy about
the fact that it was my birthday
(please insert face palm here)

together and the things I'm able to do. And even at the lowest points in my life, I've had confidence in my skills and my mind. And at many, many times in my life, that confidence has shown itself as pride - pride in my gifts, pride in my intellect, pride in my people skills, pride in my confidence, even when I was struggling. And that pride had me looking down on and judging others.

I hate admitting all of this. It's super ugly to see in black and white here on my laptop screen. And it makes me cringe to read. Pride is so ugly! It's the thing God hates the most! And for good reason! I have no right to be proud of my abilities - He gave them to me. I have no right to be boasting about my intelligence - that came from Him too. Everything I have - every gift, skill, ability, anything - is from Him, and I have no basis for pride in it. And yet -

The journey of my brain injury has done a real work on my pride issue. After I fell on my face and got a concussion I had to be in a dark, quiet room for a week. As I lay there, completely unproductive, using none of my gifts, being of no tangible value to anyone, my pride was taking a huge hit! My family's life went on without me. God's work was going on without me. I wasn't as necessary as I thought I was. The pity party that started hard that week eventually gave way to realizations that my pride levels were way out of control. Over the next few weeks as I adjusted to life with new limits (no driving, no texting, no email, very little working around the house), my pride continued to feel the blows. If I wasn't going to use my gifts and abilities, what good was I?

God used this time to sweetly and lovingly remind me that my gifts and abilities are not why I matter. I matter because He loves me. He loves me for me. Just me. Not because of anything I do or think or produce. Just because I exist. And He loved me long before I knew how to love Him back. I didn't do anything to earn His love, and I couldn't do anything to lose His love. I also, couldn't earn extra love by using my gifts and abilities to please Him. He's such a good, kind, loving God to be confirming His love for me while my pride was being torn down. I was being deconstructed and rebuilt correctly at the same time.

This is how I spent those first
few weeks. In the dark.
Completely useless. I still
have days/weeks like this.  

Over the last three and a half years, I thought my pride was pretty much conquered. I've battled dizziness, forgetfulness, serious confusion, and the cabin fever of being a shut-in when it gets really bad. And I've put most of that battle on social media. I'm hoping it can be both entertaining and encouraging to the folks who find it, but really, documenting my issues does help keep me humble. Ironically, I do still get tempted to be proud of my willingness to be so humble. Yes, it's that bad! Anyway, I thought I was through the worst of the pride conquering. Then this latest batch of symptoms hit.

This is me waiting for Drew
to come get me. We had gone for a
walk, and I couldn't finish. So I
had to sit down right on the
sidewalk and wait for him to go get
the car. 

My newest adventure - I'm having trouble walking. Yup - my brain and my feet aren't communicating well. I tell my feet to walk, and they don't get the memo. The result is that I end up walking like a drunk or even falling over. Super fun out in public! So I have to be helped out of places. By the arm. Very slowly. Like an old lady. And people turn and stare. It's not bad enough that I'm an imposition to the people I'm with - holding them up with my incredibly slow pace or needing them to go get the car because I can't walk that far - but now strangers are turning to look and wonder what's wrong me. The looks are brutal to my pride. And I thought I had this pride thing licked.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I want God to keep chipping away at me until the pride is all gone. If pride is the thing He hates most, I certainly don't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, all of my "get rid of the pride" experiences have really sucked. And I'm so over miserable experiences. I'd like to be done now.

I've told God exactly how I feel. I know He loves me and is doing what's best for me. I'm trying to be patient even though it's hard. And I'm proud of that :-)

Praying For Folks Who Are On My Last Nerve

Lately, I keep feeling compelled to pray for people I'm having issues with.

Praying for people I'm doing great with is so easy! I like people, and I enjoy praying for God to intervene in their lives.

But when I'm not doing well with folks - when we've had a falling out or when I'm annoyed with people - well, to be honest here, I would rather complain and distance myself from those who are stressing me out. Granted, this plan doesn't accomplish anything good or helpful; i's just been my pattern. Just being real here.

But recently, when I'm about to launch into a tirade, I feel this little nudge in my spirit to shut off the complaints and start praying. I've learned enough about obedience to know that I should listen. So I start praying. Today God nudged me to pray for someone I’m mad at. So I asked God what I should pray for? “I guess fire and brimstone are off the table?” I didn’t hear any laughter.

There is nothing holy in these stingy but obedient prayers of mine.  There is a lot of "Lord, you know that girl is making me crazy, and I need to you fix her! She has lost her ever loving mind! Please do something about that! Amen." About 60 seconds into a prayer like that I start to feel convicted of my judgmental attitude - God is sneaky like that, convicting me in the middle of praying for someone else.

So my prayer shifts a little bit: "Lord, maybe she's acting like a crazy person because she's going through something hard. Please help her with the hard thing and then please cure her crazy. Amen." About then, when I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for being so "others-focused" I feel a spiritual tap on the shoulder that isn't a recognition of a job well done. I know He wants me from me. Ugh. Fine.

Now, with a heavy sigh and slumped shoulders in recognition of where God wanted me to end up, I sound more like this: "Lord, please be with my friend. If she has a need, please meet it. If she has a hurt, please heal it. And Lord, if you want to use me to bless her, please soften my heart and show me what you need me to do. And Lord, please forgive my pride and judgmental attitude. I'm a hot mess. I know it, and you know it. I just lose sight of it from time to time when I get caught up pointing out other people's issues. Please forgive me and keep working on me. Thanks, God. Amen."

I wish I could say that it only takes one cycle through this lesson for me to fully learn it. I'm guessing God would prefer it that way too. But I'm a tough nut to crack. God has had to walk me through this lesson multiple times in the last few weeks. I think the process might be going quicker, which is a sign that I am starting to get the hang of it, but I have certainly not "arrived". I'm so thankful that God doesn't give up on us!!

It's a good and loving God who is patient with our weaknesses and gentle with our correction. He accepts us where we are and loves us too much to let us stay there.

First Day of School Traditions

It’s the First Day of School. I’m not gonna lie. I’m really happy about it. Not the “getting rid of the kids” part - I like them, and I don’t see them enough as it is, now that they are so busy with sports and band and jobs and FortNite :-) But I’m looking forward to the routine. The waking up at the same time every day, going to same place, knowing what to expect every day part of school is what I’m most excited about. Summer is an ever-changing, never-the-same game that is too much for my fragile brain to keep up with. Even with a calendar on my phone and printed out and taped to the fridge, I’m still dazed and confused trying to keep it all straight. I need some consistency.

This pic is 6 years old.
They were so little!

But the start of another school year does have me getting all nostalgic. My boys are getting so old! Two in high school and the little one in middle school! The time has gone so fast! That saying that “the days are long, but the years are short” is so true. It feels like just yesterday that I thought I would never survive Aaron and Luke being toddlers at the same time. I remember telling Drew that it was going to be them or me. Someone wasn’t going to make it :-) They are 16 and 15. We all survived :-)

Do y’all have any First Day of School traditions? We have three - one I don’t mind, one I would take back if I could, and one that started out of the blue.

The one tradition I don’t mind - but the boys could do without is the obligatory first day pictures. You know the ones where you pose at the front door, usually with a sign that says what grade you are in, wearing the new backpack? My boys grumble and groan, but they know the drill. The only fun part for them is posing with me so they can see how much taller they are than the year before. The older two are much taller than I am. The little one is catching me. When they pose with Drew, they all wait until right before I snap the pic and then hop up on their tiptoes (Drew too!) to try to be the tallest in the photo. Men!

The tradition I would take back if I could is First Day of School fresh Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. This idea seemed awesome when they were in preschool. Preschool started at 9am. No one minded running to Dunkin at 8:00am to get donuts. But once they started getting on the middle school bus at 6:40 (AM!!!!!!), I really wanted out of this tradition. Of course, it was too late by then. Please learn from my mistakes! Choose your traditions carefully! Middle and high school start really, really, really early! Beware those "before school" traditions. Can I recommend you google some AFTER school ideas?

The tradition that started out of the blue happened the day that our youngest, Nathan, started full day kindergarten. I was so sure that I would be doing a happy dance when all three boys got on that bus together and drove off, leaving me to myself and my own devices for the first time in 10 years. Drew and I talked about it all summer. He was super supportive of me finally getting some time to myself. I had a million different ideas of how I would fill my time and couldn't wait to get started. Then the big day came. We did the pictures. We did the donuts. We walked to the bus stop and even took one of those “sad kids, happy mom” pictures. Then all three boys got on the bus together to go to elementary school. I watched that bus pull away and just stood there. I was frozen in a “now what?” place. In that moment, I watched as the reason I got out of bed every morning drove away. This is going to sound super dramatic, but be patient with me - I watched as my identity drove off on that bus.

All through college I was forming a plan to become a math teacher. That’s who I was going to be. Then I got married and got that job teaching math. So I was Drew’s Wife and A Math Teacher. Then the boys were born, and we decided I would stay home. After the sleep deprivation wore off, I looked up and realized that I wasn’t A Math Teacher any more. Instead, I had become A Stay At Home Mom. Ok. Let’s do this! So I did. Until they rode off in the school bus. Now what? Since I graduated from college, I had defined my identity by my job. I was what I did. Now I have no job - do I have no identity? It was a scary, sad, bizarre moment as that bus drove away.

The truth is that I had defined my identity in all the wrong ways. Who I am has nothing to do with what job I’m holding at the moment. Who I am has everything to do with who God says I am. I could go on about this for days, but I’ll sum it up and come back to it another day - God says I’m His child, blessed, chosen, adopted, favored, redeemed, forgiven, made on purpose and for a purpose - and none of these facts are based on any job. But I wasn’t holding on to who He says I am. I was holding to who I said I am. Talk about a shaky foundation! Again, lots to talk about another day. 

Anyway, as the bus drove off and I stood there completely lost and shaken, Drew realized that we had a problem and began First Day of School tradition #3 - Dawn and Drew breakfast date. He looked at me and said, “How about we go out for breakfast?” I was almost in tears at that point. I just nodded “yes”, and off we went. The day got easier from there. And the week got easier as I adjusted to my new normal. And I did a ton of soul searching that year to figure out who I was apart from my kids.

Today's FDOS
Breakfast Date
was Starbucks. 

This year, the little one will start 6th grade. Drew and I will go on our 7th First Day of School breakfast date. It’s not a necessity any more. Now it’s a wonderful chance to spend time together and pray for the boys.

If this is your first year to have all the kids go to school, I highly recommend having a plan for that first day. Call a friend, set up a coffee date, schedule a mani/pedi, something! If that first day of everyone in school is in your future, maybe my story will help you prepare for your day. If you are like me, experienced at this “all the kids are in school” thing, let’s reach out to another mom who just sent her baby off to kindergarten. Let’s ask her out for coffee or lunch. Let’s make sure those around us are ok. It can be one more First Day of School tradition.

Back to Blogging - After A Long Time

"God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called." - Anonymous

It’s been almost a year since my last post. I started blogging with so much excitement. I had lots to share! I was going to make a difference in the lives of women everywhere. Then I crashed and burned.

What went wrong? It was a combination of things.

First, I got distracted. I got hooked on page views, re-tweets, and comments. Being a "big blog" became too important. I was losing my focus on content. I was losing myself and my priorities in a quest to grow my blog.

Second, I was getting a little too puffed up. I thought I had real wisdom to share that would improve the lives of women everywhere. I was totally missing all of my own issues that needed work.

Finally, events last November had me stepping away out of necessity to focus on my life and family. During this time, my own baggage and issues demanded to be dealt with. Facing my own weaknesses and figuring out what to do with them is not a fun ride. Doubts set in. “What in the world did I think I had to share?” “As messed up as I am, did I really have the nerve to think I could blog something useful for other women?” “Do I really have anything say?”

I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions even now. But the desire to blog – to share my heart with all its issues - won’t leave me alone.

So here I sit, working on a blog post – feeling inadequate and ill-equipped, but willing.

Flawed but still valuable?

The Bible is full of examples of God using messed up people to do great things. The story of Gideon is one of my personal favorites. Gideon was the least of his family, which was the least of his clan, which was the least of his tribe. He was afraid of the bad guys and was hiding from them in a winepress. And still God came to him! He was so unsure that God could use him that he demanded a sign – twice! But God did use Gideon in a mighty way. Gideon was weak, afraid, and full of doubt. But he became a leader that God used to defeat a huge army in a miraculous way.  Gideon’s story is in the Bible – the book of Judges, chapters 6-8.

If God can use Gideon, it's possible that He can use me. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect – He knows me well enough to know that’s not possible. He just wants me to be willing. And since I’m not perfect, anything positive that comes out of my writing can only be attributed to God. There can’t be any confusion about who deserves the credit

Thank you for your patience with me as I worked out some issues. Thank you for encouraging me, through messages and emails, to get back to blogging. Please pray that I will say what God wants me to say.

Why I Became My Kids' Penpal

 “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
 - Catherine M. Wallace

My boys on the first day of school

My boys are growing like weeds! I just had to take my oldest out for new pants because nothing he had fit. I can't keep up with the growth spurts.

The time we spent shopping was precious. We talked about school, friends, and other things that are important to him. As the boys get older, these chats (and time for them) are harder to come by.

It crosses my mind that some day my boys will be teenagers - with jobs, sports, and girls (Lord, help me!). Then they will be adults!

As I think about them growing up and the kind of relationship I want to have with them as adults, I remember hearing someone very wise give me a piece of advice. She said, "Start now with the things you want to see in them as adults."

If I want them to be neat and tidy adults, I need to teach them how to be tidy children. If I want them to have a strong work ethic as men, I need to teach them how to work in our home. If I want them to share the details of their lives with me as adults, I need to start inviting those details now.

I have to admit, I have so much to learn as a mom. Every day I mess up. Every day I say or do something I wish I could take back. And sometimes, hearing the details of their day (a complete rundown of the roster of both teams at soccer) is just not interesting! But I'm trying.

I don't want the boys to stop telling me about their day. I want to be a part of the details in their lives - even (especially) as they get older.

So I'm trying to encourage them to share with me now. I'm also trying to listen better. When we went shopping for clothes, I tried to really listen to my son and share his excitement for his new video game (ugh). When I went out the other night, I took my 9 year old with me. He's so funny! I forget how funny he can be when I'm rushing us all from one thing to another.

I get all kinds of ideas to bond with my boys that I never actually try. They look good on Pinterest or sound good in a magazine, but I just never get around to implementing any of them.


Finally, I decided to try something. I bought three composition notebooks - the kind we all need for school each fall. I labeled them for each boy. I wrote them a note on the first page of the notebook explaining that I wanted us to be pen pals. I would write to them and put it under their pillow. After they write back, they can put it under my pillow.

So far, it's working. They all wrote back. Their notes were so precious! The little one dictates to DH what he wants him to write.

We've written back and forth a few times now. The older two are slower to respond than the little one. But it's something!

I'm working to cement an open line of communication now - when they are little - and hoping it stays open as they become teenagers and adults.

What about you? Do you have anything that's working in your house to keep your relationship with your child solid and open?

Lessons I'm Learning As A Blogger

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
 - Helen Keller

With all the personal analysis that's been going on here on my blog, I'm learning a lot about myself. I hope you are too (learning about you - learning about me might give you a good laugh, but it probably won't help in your daily life). If you missed any of the posts on Being The Best Version of You, here they are.

1. Struggling to Figure Out Who I Am
2. I'm Tooting My Own Horn, and I'm Proud Of It!
3. Putting It All Out There Today - Please Be Kind
4. Using the Pieces to See The Whole Picture

Today is going in a similar direction with me revealing too much about myself in an attempt to encourage you. I want to share a little bit of what I've been learning as a blogger.

The image from my first post

I started this blog on May 27, 2012. Here's my very first post, in case you missed it. I started blogging because I was convinced that I could be an encouragement to women out there. I was going to help them realize that they are special and have something to offer. I was going to inspire them to be the women that God made them to be. Then they would be the mother/wife/woman they were designed to be. I had big plans.

Here's where it gets good. In all the self-analysis posts I've done recently, I'm the one who has learned, grown, and been encouraged. I'm the one who is learning how to be the woman God made me to be. I set out to help others grow (that sounds so vain!), and instead, I'm growing. And I didn't even know I needed to grow and change (I told you I can be full of myself)!

This is me - being vain

When I realized that this blogging stuff was working to change me (and when I got comments that it was encouraging others), I put my whole heart into it. I started making it a major priority. Guess what happened - my calendar magically filled up. I totally ran out of time to play blogger. I had to put it aside to focus on real life. So I adjusted my priorities and put blogging back where it belonged - until the next time.

It seems to be a vicious cycle with me. I get excited about the blog world, elevate it above the truly important things in my life (marriage, parenting, etc), and then something happens to keep me from blogging for a time. I see the wake-up call for what it is and put things back in order. One of these days I'm hoping that I'll just keep blogging where it belongs and spare myself the lesson. But until I wise up, you can use any weird silence on my blog as a message that I got my priorities out of line again.

Where I am going with all this? I'm hoping that if I tell you about the lessons I'm learning, I'll save you some time and energy.

Here's the sum up.

• Attempting to help others is a good thing. But I need to be ready to see myself honestly and grow and change along the way. 
• A good thing, in the wrong place on the priority list, can become a bad thing. {<-Tweet This} And if I don't keep it in the right perspective, God steps in and does it for me.

What about you? What experience has brought you growth and change when you least expected it? Is there anything you tend to mis-prioritize without realizing it? Don't leave me out on this limb all alone :-)