Pride - the Thing God Hates Most is the Thing I'm Best At - Ugh

Pride has always been a major issue for me. God gives each of us gifts and abilities, but somewhere along the way, I decided that mine were more gifty and more able-y than other people.

My actual college diploma - I really
wish it listed my major - Mathematics -
but we can't have everything

It's really funny because with my "what can we do fun today?" attitude that doesn't seem to take anything seriously, people are always surprised when they discover a brain in my head. I used to be offended by their shock - "You studied math in college? Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I was there. I even taught math for a living." "But don't you have to be smart for that?" (yes, this exact conversation took place once.)  I didn't respond to that question. I just gave that person a look that let them know it had gone one step too far and she had better back up - fast. The thing is, she wasn't trying to be mean or funny. She was dead serious. She was just shocked that I had the mental capacity to be a math teacher. And I get that a lot. I'm not offended anymore. Really. Now it's just funny. Like a game. But I'm digressing here.

Between my intellect and my gifts with people, I've always been pretty pleased with how God put me

I spoke to a group of
moms on my 40th birthday
I was obviously very shy about
the fact that it was my birthday
(please insert face palm here)

together and the things I'm able to do. And even at the lowest points in my life, I've had confidence in my skills and my mind. And at many, many times in my life, that confidence has shown itself as pride - pride in my gifts, pride in my intellect, pride in my people skills, pride in my confidence, even when I was struggling. And that pride had me looking down on and judging others.

I hate admitting all of this. It's super ugly to see in black and white here on my laptop screen. And it makes me cringe to read. Pride is so ugly! It's the thing God hates the most! And for good reason! I have no right to be proud of my abilities - He gave them to me. I have no right to be boasting about my intelligence - that came from Him too. Everything I have - every gift, skill, ability, anything - is from Him, and I have no basis for pride in it. And yet -

The journey of my brain injury has done a real work on my pride issue. After I fell on my face and got a concussion I had to be in a dark, quiet room for a week. As I lay there, completely unproductive, using none of my gifts, being of no tangible value to anyone, my pride was taking a huge hit! My family's life went on without me. God's work was going on without me. I wasn't as necessary as I thought I was. The pity party that started hard that week eventually gave way to realizations that my pride levels were way out of control. Over the next few weeks as I adjusted to life with new limits (no driving, no texting, no email, very little working around the house), my pride continued to feel the blows. If I wasn't going to use my gifts and abilities, what good was I?

God used this time to sweetly and lovingly remind me that my gifts and abilities are not why I matter. I matter because He loves me. He loves me for me. Just me. Not because of anything I do or think or produce. Just because I exist. And He loved me long before I knew how to love Him back. I didn't do anything to earn His love, and I couldn't do anything to lose His love. I also, couldn't earn extra love by using my gifts and abilities to please Him. He's such a good, kind, loving God to be confirming His love for me while my pride was being torn down. I was being deconstructed and rebuilt correctly at the same time.

This is how I spent those first
few weeks. In the dark.
Completely useless. I still
have days/weeks like this.  

Over the last three and a half years, I thought my pride was pretty much conquered. I've battled dizziness, forgetfulness, serious confusion, and the cabin fever of being a shut-in when it gets really bad. And I've put most of that battle on social media. I'm hoping it can be both entertaining and encouraging to the folks who find it, but really, documenting my issues does help keep me humble. Ironically, I do still get tempted to be proud of my willingness to be so humble. Yes, it's that bad! Anyway, I thought I was through the worst of the pride conquering. Then this latest batch of symptoms hit.

This is me waiting for Drew
to come get me. We had gone for a
walk, and I couldn't finish. So I
had to sit down right on the
sidewalk and wait for him to go get
the car. 

My newest adventure - I'm having trouble walking. Yup - my brain and my feet aren't communicating well. I tell my feet to walk, and they don't get the memo. The result is that I end up walking like a drunk or even falling over. Super fun out in public! So I have to be helped out of places. By the arm. Very slowly. Like an old lady. And people turn and stare. It's not bad enough that I'm an imposition to the people I'm with - holding them up with my incredibly slow pace or needing them to go get the car because I can't walk that far - but now strangers are turning to look and wonder what's wrong me. The looks are brutal to my pride. And I thought I had this pride thing licked.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I want God to keep chipping away at me until the pride is all gone. If pride is the thing He hates most, I certainly don't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, all of my "get rid of the pride" experiences have really sucked. And I'm so over miserable experiences. I'd like to be done now.

I've told God exactly how I feel. I know He loves me and is doing what's best for me. I'm trying to be patient even though it's hard. And I'm proud of that :-)

What Did You Say About My Friend?

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I want to tell you about a friend of mine. We’ll call her Morgan – because she will recognize herself in this post, but she may not want you to know who she is.

So Morgan told me yesterday that she is immature and needs to work on her image. I was floored! Morgan is not immature.  Want to know who she really is?

Morgan is thoughtful. She sees needs that others miss. Morgan is excellent at making people feel valued and welcome in any setting. Morgan sacrifices for her family – working long hours to bring in money to help them achieve their goals. Morgan takes action. When she sees the need that others missed, she doesn’t stop to discuss it or make sure she has permission. She just acts! And her actions are always for the benefit of everyone around her. She is selfless. She would give the shirt off her back or her last dollar to someone in need. She’s a joy! When Morgan walks into a room, the room lights up. You can’t help but smile when she’s around.

Yet, she thinks she needs to work on her image.

Ok. Another friend – let’s go with Brynn this time. Brynn heard a rumor that she had been labeled “pretentious” by another woman. That label has bothered her and caused her to examine how she interacts with others. Want to know who Brynn really is?

Brynn is generous. She gives of her time, home, money, energy, and heart in ways that cannot be measured. The lives she has touched with her generosity are too many to count. Her home is always open. Everything in her pantry is yours if you need it. Her time is your time. She will spend the night so you don’t have to be alone. She will watch your kids so you can go to that important appointment. She will talk on the phone with you until the wee hours of the morning, offering encouragement and support. And the counsel she gives is wise beyond her years. She listens with empathy and then offers gentle but brilliant advice on what to do next. My friend is loving and loyal. She will go to the wall for those who need her – all without expecting anything in return.

Yet, she’s worried she’s pretentious.

Do we really have to live with distorted views of ourselves?

How do we get here? How do we decide we are so flawed and miss all the value we bring to the table? I do it too. Somehow we let other people (usually those who are thoughtless and clueless) tell us who we are and miss the truth.

Do we really want to live like this? Believing negative lies about ourselves instead of realizing how much we have to offer and walking in our strengths?

I’m yelling “NO!” at my dining room table right now :-)

How do we fix it? How do we get a clearer picture of the value in us? I have four suggestions for us:

1. Let’s ask our best friends – ask them to tell us our strengths (write them down so we can go back to it later). Our friends know us well and can see what we bring to the table.
2. Ask God! He loves us and created us exactly the way we are on purpose! And He doesn’t make garbage. The Bible is full of passages about how much we are loved and how intentionally we have been created. God treasures us and has given us gifts and talents! We have value!
3. Now that you’ve asked the people who know you best, make a list of your strengths. Write it down. Frame it. Or laminate it. And refer to it often! I made my own list a while back here on my blog.  I need to dust it off and print it out for my own reference. I forget I have value just as much as the next girl. 
4. Encourage those women that you come in contact with. The world is such a mean and nasty place. We need to hear from each other that we are fabulous (I got those exact words in a text yesterday, and it carried me through my whole day) – and not in a fake or insincere way, but in an honest effort to help each other see our positives and rejoice in them.

I have to stop writing now and go tell a friend she is fabulous!

This Is What I Was Born To Do!

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
 - Confucius

I'm back! And I missed you. I can't believe how long it's been since I posted last! Life really can get in the way of blogging sometimes.

Today, I'm dying to tell you about the event we were a part of this weekend. I found myself doing exactly what I was born and designed to do. And that is an amazing feeling!

DH and I lead a basketball and cheerleading league through Upward Sports. We are entering our 7th year of Upward Basketball and Cheerleading, and I absolutely love it!! We run about 450 basketball players and cheerleaders. I'm completely involved alongside DH (the director of the whole program), and our boys are involved too. I can't imagine life without Upward in it.



This past weekend, we held our Upward Player Evaluations. That means that the players and cheerleaders come to the gym to try on uniforms and run drills (basketball players). We use the information from Evals to order uniforms and make even teams.

At Evals, it's my job to be the greeter and "traffic cop" of sorts. I'm the first face that our Upward families see when they come in the door. I stood in one spot for four hours and greeted over 300 players/cheerleaders and their families. Some were brand new to our program, and others have been playing/cheering with us for years. I answered questions about the program, sent them to the correct spot in the building for drills and uniforms, and basically tried to make them feel welcome.

I loved every minute of it!! I saw people I have come to care about, pitched a program I firmly believe in, handled administrative details, and loved on little children.

Here's why my role this weekend was such a great fit for me - 

• Greet people as they came in - God has given me a knack for names. I just remember them. So when the folks came in, I was able to greet many of them by name. I was able to ask about their families and their friends. I could tell them that their best friend just came through and was in the gym or that I had just seen their coach from last year, and he was going to coach again. Remembering details about their lives made our people feel at home and welcomed. I can't take any credit for it. God made me this way. But I absolutely loved being able to use that gift to make people feel cared about.  
• Answer questions about the Upward program - some of the folks who came in Saturday were brand new to Upward. They had heard about us and wanted to give it a shot, but most had questions or concerns that needed to be addressed. Because God has given me a bubbly personality (to put it lightly - I tend to gush about the things I love), I was able to handle any questions with complete confidence in the program. I could look into the eyes of a little five-year old and put them at ease about trying something new. I could tell a dad that his new cheerleader wouldn't be learning anything inappropriate. I could promise a nervous basketball parent that their child's coach would be kind and would teach their new ball player everything they need to know.
• Handle administrative details - because God has given me an eye for detail, I've been able to help DH as an unofficial assistant director of Upward. I'm able to help with the details of teams and coaches and dates and cost. And then when the questions come from the parents, I'm able to answer them. 

Where in the world am I going with this? 

No, this is not a commercial for Upward Sports. They haven't asked me to promote them, and there is nothing in it for me. I do believe that Upward Sports is an amazing program. I would highly recommend that if you aren't involved in Upward (as a volunteer or as a parent of a player/cheerleader), you look for a league in your area. If you've never heard of Upward Sports before, look them up. It's a wonderful program! Click on the image to learn more about Upward Sports.

Here on my blog, I've done a lot of self-analysis over the last few months. I've looked at my strengths and my weaknesses. I'm learning that when I know how I was designed, and when I put my gifts and abilities to use helping others, I'm at my most fulfilled in life. I'm working alongside my family, using my talents, and serving my community. And it's wonderful!

What about you? Have you found a way to put your strengths and abilities to work in a way that brings you joy? I'd love to hear about it. If you haven't found your "thing" yet, don't quit looking! Try something new. If that doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find that "thing" that sparks you - that thing that lets you be the person you were made to be. 

Using the Pieces to See The Whole Picture

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory."
 - Douglas MacArthur

We've talked a lot about figuring out who we are. We've listed our strengths and cataloged our weaknesses. So now what? What do we do with all that we've discovered about ourselves?


We are unique and that makes us valuable! 

We have our lists. Like ingredients in a recipe, our strengths and weaknesses probably aren't unique. But the way they are put together and the proportions that have been used make us unique dishes. And things that are unique are valuable. Why are rare coins worth so much money? Because they are rare! The same thing goes for other collectible items - the more rare it is, the more it's worth. People are valuable because they are unique!! If we were all the same, a bunch of us would be unnecessary.  So let's take pride in our ingredients. If they were different, we wouldn't be who we are - and no, wishing to be someone else is no good. Want to know a secret? Most women I've spoken to have wished to be someone else. The extroverts want to be introverts and vice verse. The perfect ones want the freedom to be real, and the openly flawed ones desperately want to be perfect. I know because they've been telling me! Can we all just be happy with who we are? We have been created intentionally and for a purpose! Let's take pride in that.

Our strengths and weaknesses can be used as a road map to being our best self. 

Now that we know our strengths and weaknesses, we can put ourselves on the road to being the best version of who we were designed to be.

I want to hone my strengths! I want to work towards fostering them and making the most of my gifts. For example, since one of my strengths is being comfortable with quick decisions and speaking in front of others, I decided to help head up our PTO at school. I am using my strengths in a way that helps others and helps me improve my skills.

I also want to work on my weaknesses. I want to get better at the things that are hard for me.  PTO is forcing me to work on my tunnel vision issues (I lose sight of the people involved in the tasks and just try to get it done) and on my pride. PTO is a relatively thankless role. It's hard work with no pay and little credit for a good reason. Volunteering, knowing that there probably won't be anything in it for me, is helping me be a better servant and focus less on myself - lessons I really need to learn.

Our strengths don't make us better than others, and our weaknesses don't make us less than others.

If everyone around us has strengths and weaknesses, and they do, then none of us is better than another. That "perfect mom" in the preschool drop off line has her own issues. The extroverted "happy mom" has stuff she struggles with. The shy "quiet mom" is working on herself and her list too.

So next time we see something in ourselves we don't like, instead of beating ourselves up and wishing we were someone else, let's remember that everyone out there has issues. We are all alike in that.You aren't any less than any other woman out there! Don't forget it!

On the flip side, next time I see something in myself that I like, I need to remember that I'm not the only one in the world with something to offer. I'm not any better than the other women out there just because I have a strength. They do too! I need to turn my focus off myself and onto the gifts of those around me.