What Did You Say About My Friend?

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I want to tell you about a friend of mine. We’ll call her Morgan – because she will recognize herself in this post, but she may not want you to know who she is.

So Morgan told me yesterday that she is immature and needs to work on her image. I was floored! Morgan is not immature.  Want to know who she really is?

Morgan is thoughtful. She sees needs that others miss. Morgan is excellent at making people feel valued and welcome in any setting. Morgan sacrifices for her family – working long hours to bring in money to help them achieve their goals. Morgan takes action. When she sees the need that others missed, she doesn’t stop to discuss it or make sure she has permission. She just acts! And her actions are always for the benefit of everyone around her. She is selfless. She would give the shirt off her back or her last dollar to someone in need. She’s a joy! When Morgan walks into a room, the room lights up. You can’t help but smile when she’s around.

Yet, she thinks she needs to work on her image.

Ok. Another friend – let’s go with Brynn this time. Brynn heard a rumor that she had been labeled “pretentious” by another woman. That label has bothered her and caused her to examine how she interacts with others. Want to know who Brynn really is?

Brynn is generous. She gives of her time, home, money, energy, and heart in ways that cannot be measured. The lives she has touched with her generosity are too many to count. Her home is always open. Everything in her pantry is yours if you need it. Her time is your time. She will spend the night so you don’t have to be alone. She will watch your kids so you can go to that important appointment. She will talk on the phone with you until the wee hours of the morning, offering encouragement and support. And the counsel she gives is wise beyond her years. She listens with empathy and then offers gentle but brilliant advice on what to do next. My friend is loving and loyal. She will go to the wall for those who need her – all without expecting anything in return.

Yet, she’s worried she’s pretentious.

Do we really have to live with distorted views of ourselves?

How do we get here? How do we decide we are so flawed and miss all the value we bring to the table? I do it too. Somehow we let other people (usually those who are thoughtless and clueless) tell us who we are and miss the truth.

Do we really want to live like this? Believing negative lies about ourselves instead of realizing how much we have to offer and walking in our strengths?

I’m yelling “NO!” at my dining room table right now :-)

How do we fix it? How do we get a clearer picture of the value in us? I have four suggestions for us:

1. Let’s ask our best friends – ask them to tell us our strengths (write them down so we can go back to it later). Our friends know us well and can see what we bring to the table.
2. Ask God! He loves us and created us exactly the way we are on purpose! And He doesn’t make garbage. The Bible is full of passages about how much we are loved and how intentionally we have been created. God treasures us and has given us gifts and talents! We have value!
3. Now that you’ve asked the people who know you best, make a list of your strengths. Write it down. Frame it. Or laminate it. And refer to it often! I made my own list a while back here on my blog.  I need to dust it off and print it out for my own reference. I forget I have value just as much as the next girl. 
4. Encourage those women that you come in contact with. The world is such a mean and nasty place. We need to hear from each other that we are fabulous (I got those exact words in a text yesterday, and it carried me through my whole day) – and not in a fake or insincere way, but in an honest effort to help each other see our positives and rejoice in them.

I have to stop writing now and go tell a friend she is fabulous!

Judging By The Cover Or Waiting Until We Read a Few Chapters?

"Don't judge a book by its cover."
 - American Proverb

They say we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I've never understood that. When I go to the library (one of my personal happy places), I choose what books I want to bring home by their covers. How else would I choose? I look at the photo or colors on the book jacket. I try to decide if the title sounds interesting. I wonder if the author is any good. Then I check it out and take it home to read it.

I've been deceived by book covers. Some of the most boring or poorly written books have had the prettiest covers. Some of the most intriguing titles have belonged to books with no plot. And I've discovered later that some of the books I left behind on the library shelves were books I really would have loved - books full of adventure, plot twists, and well-developed characters.

What about the people in my life? Am I judging them by their "covers"? Have I chosen who to invite over for coffee based on the "cover of their book"?  Have I missed out on a really great friendship because the "cover of the book" wasn't appealing? What does the "cover of my book" look like?

I have given a lot of thought to what the "cover of my book" looks like. What do people see when they meet me the first few times? I asked DH to make sure I wasn't completely confused about the image I present to the world. He assured me that I'm not too far off the mark, so here goes.

My "cover" shows a confident extrovert; an open, friendly girl who loves a good party and who never met a stranger. I also come across as a bit of a ditz - gullible and easily confused.

But my "cover" is not all there is to the story. Get to know me (read a few chapters in), and you will discover that I need quiet time alone to recharge after time with people. I actually value my privacy and keep more to myself than I share. And I second guess myself all the time! Self-doubt and I are very intimately acquainted.  And I'm no dummy. God has blessed me with a fairly high level of intelligence which comes as a shock to some people.

My "cover" is not fake. I am the girl my "cover" portrays. But there is so much more to me. I go much deeper than most people realize because they just assume that the "cover" tells the whole story.

So if that's true for me, doesn't it make sense that it would be true for others? Isn't it safe to assume that their "covers" don't tell the whole story?

This last question is really making me pause (even I as type this). I know I'm guilty of judging people by my first impressions of them. And I know I've discovered later that my first impression was wrong. But am I still doing it? Am I still deciding who to get to know better by the "cover of their book"? Is that what I want to do?

Let's flip this for a minute. Do you know what the "cover of your book" looks like? Don't assume you do. Ask someone who loves you. Ask them what image you present to the world. And then brace for honesty. It's possible that the image you present is not one you will be happy with. It's possible that what people actually see when they meet you is not at all what you think it is. So ask someone who will tell you the truth.

Then decide if the image you present is one you are happy with. I'm asking myself that question today. Is my "cover" honest enough? Should I work on matching my "cover" to the whole story? Or is it ok to keep somethings to be discovered as the story unfolds? I don't really have answers. Just lots of questions. But that's pretty typical for me :-)



Linking up with Covered in Grace and Bloggy Moms

With Friends Like These . . .

"Men use care in purchasing a horse and are neglectful in choosing friends."
 - John Muir

I've been pondering this post for a while. It might be a little controversial, and I really hate conflict. But when I get an idea stuck in my head, I have to go with it. So here goes.

Recently, I posted a list of friend types every girl needs. If you missed it, you can read my list here. Then I discovered that there is another list in my head - the list of friend types every girl should handle with care. I'm not advocating cleaning out your friend list on Facebook or editing the contacts app on your iPhone. But if one of these types is in your circle, a little insight can go a long way.

• The Victim - this is the one whose life is always awful. Nothing ever goes right, and it's never her fault. There is never a silver lining to the dark clouds. The whole world hates her, and she is very quick to tell you about it. 
• Why is this a friend to handle with caution? She has the ability to bring down everyone within hearing distance! Her view of life can be a complete drain on your joy. Extensive time with this friend will wear you down emotionally. 
• My advice - spend time together sparingly and in small doses.  

• The Perfect One - have you met her? She's the always happy, always put together, "everything is roses" friend. Nothing is ever bad, and she never makes mistakes. This lovely lady just can't be real with those around her. She can't admit that she is a real person with issues, baggage, and bad hair days. 
• Why be wary with this lady? She can really make an impact on your self-worth. Since the image she presents isn't real, measuring up is impossible. Feeling like you don't cut it will wear down your spirit and cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities.
• My advice - filter all she says and does through the knowledge that it's not real. She's like the pictures of models in magazines - lovely, but totally airbrushed.


• The Complainer -She's a wonderful lady until she opens her mouth. Everything is wrong. Her husband is stupid, her kids are demons, and her job is awful. She's not blaming anyone - just venting. All the time!
• Why is her outlook a problem? We all need to vent  from time to time. And having friends to vent to is one of life's sweet joys. But the constant venting can wear you down! Not being able to stop and smell the roses will exhaust you and will color the way you look at your own life. 
• My advice - after time with this friend, sit down and list all your blessings. Remind yourself of all the positives in  your life.


• The Anchor -This friend means well. She really does. But her concern for you leaving her behind is causing issues between you. You want to lose weight, she offers you cake and cookies. She doesn't intend to sabotage you. But subconsciously, she worries that if you get skinny, you will leave her behind for new friends. You want to go back to school and get your degree. She tells you all the reasons school won't fit into your life. She fears that if you get a degree, you won't want to be friends with her anymore.
• Why worry about this one? Her heart isn't evil. She most likely doesn't even realize what she's doing. Her cautions will even sound completely valid. But she could keep you from becoming all that God has planned for you to be!
• My advice - realize her fears for what they are. Reassure her that your friendship matters and that you will do all you can to foster it.


• The Bully -This one really gets me stirred up. This "friend" always knows better. Everything you do/say/wear can be improved simply by listening to her. She knows better than you how to raise your kids, decorate your house, and deal with your husband. And every piece of advice is unsolicited. This friend may be hard to detect. Usually, their advice is cloaked in "girl talk" - just two girls talking about normal girl topics. But after she goes home, you realize that the whole time  you were talking, she was criticizing you!
• Why be alert with this one? Being constantly critiqued will wear down your spirit! Having that critique come disguised as friendship, can cut to the core. 
• My advice - stand up for yourself! You don't have to take the criticism. If you didn't ask for input, you certainly don't have to stand there and take it. Let the Bully know that you have it under control and that if you need help, you will ask. Until then, thanks but no thanks.

So now what? I've given you my list. What do I hope you will do with it?

First, I would love to hear your thoughts. Did I miss a type to be wary of? Did I overstep with this list? Did I miss a danger of one of these friendships?

Second, as you spend time with the ladies in your life, consider the impact they are having on you. How do you feel after they leave? Are you encouraged or drained? Do you feel inspired or dragged down? If time with a friend leaves you feeling discouraged, look for the reason. Is it you? Is it them? What changes do you need to make?

UPDATE - after talking to DH (my best friend, and the string to my kite - I'll elaborate on that one another day), and a fellow blogger (thanks, Susan!), I realize that I left out a very important part of this topic. What if one of the types I listed hits a little close to home? What if I just described you?

First off, to my wonderful friends, I didn't have any one person specifically in mind as I typed this. This list is based on lots of different women who have crossed my path during my lifetime.

Second, I have been these types myself!  I know the dangers of these types of friends because I have ruined friendships with these character traits myself.

So if you see yourself in my list, please know that you are not alone. I've been there. The good news is that we don't have to stay there!! God can change us. We must acknowledge our need and ask for His help. He is faithful to complete the work He has started in us.

Linking this post up with Covered In Grace.

The Party Where Time Went Backward

"Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of. "
 - Sarah Orne Jewett

Me in the group picture

Last night was so much fun. Some old friends who had moved away were in town visiting. They put out the call on Facebook for us all to get together for dinner. I agreed right away because I never turn down a party. But I wondered if it would be awkward. 

They moved away seven years ago. A lot changes in seven years. Babies are born, children go away to college, people lose touch with each other. Would it be weird, all of us being together again? What would we talk about? 

I won't deny that there was some weirdness. It was like someone froze time, opened the curtain to the past, and grabbed a few pieces of it. Then those pieces were all dropped into our laps to enjoy all over again. There was a very "twilight zone" feeling to all of us being together again. I wanted to bottle it to bring the feeling home. I felt like if I could just walk around the room and touch everyone, maybe I could freeze the moment to keep with me. Does that make any sense?

When my friends lived here, we were all so close. We formed bonds that could only be created under the very specific circumstances we found ourselves in at that time. 

And last night, we all picked up right where we left off. It was such a good time! We were laughing and joking with each other like seven years had never passed. The changes we have all experienced didn't affect our friendship in the least! What a gift! 

I wish my friends lived closer. I wish we could see each other more often. But knowing that time and distance can't really change the bonds we all made years ago, is a very comforting thought. 

Being reminded of precious past relationships makes me want to do a better job with the friendships I have now. I want to make sure that I am allowing the time and energy necessary for those bonds to grow strong and deep. It's difficult in this busy life I'm living, but, as last night showed, totally worth it.

The other really great thing about seeing old friends - they kept telling me how great I looked! I was called gorgeous more times last night than in a normal year! I really need to see these people more often. 

Me at the party - not posting a pic from 7 years ago

But it makes me wonder - how ugly was I seven years ago?

Come Chat With Me on Facebook!

Come chat with me!

Come chat with me this morning! I will be hosting Gevalia's Bean Chat at their Facebook Fan Page. "Like" their page and have cyber coffee with me. It will be just like we are at my kitchen table, but we can still be in our pjs at our own houses. I'll be there from 10a-11a (EST). Drop by if you have a chance.

My Friend List

“A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world”
 - Lois Wyse

I've been giving a lot of thought to friendship lately. What makes a good one? What makes a bad one? What are the different kinds of friends out there in the world?

As a result of all this thinking (whew! my brain is tired!!), I've come up with a list of friend types that I think every woman should have on speed dial. I am blessed with at least one friend of each kind. 

• The Laugher - This is the friend that always makes you laugh. No matter what is going on, she manages to find the humor in the situation. In a formal setting, you have to avoid her eyes or you will both laugh inappropriately at the same moment. Just being around her makes you feel lighter - as if all the cares you had when you walked in have floated away.She's not shallow. She does know how to be serious and deal with life. But she sees the value in laughter and shares it freely with you.
• The Cheerleader - This friend believes you can do anything! Every venture is already a reality. Every idea is a gold mine. There is nothing you can't accomplish. She is the one you go to when you decide to start a blog. She tells you just how great you will be at it and how completely equipped you are to rule the blogosphere.
• The Empathizer - This friend feels your pain and shares your joy. Your enemies are her enemies, and your friends are her friends. If you are hurt, she rushes to soothe your pain and offers to inflict real pain on whoever hurt you. If you have a victory, she throws you a party.
• The Advisor - This is the friend you call when you don't know what to do. Should your child be allowed to see that movie? How do you support your husband best at his new job? Did I handle that situation with our mutual friend ok? She is the one you call with all of life's big questions. And she almost always has the answers.
• The Opposite - This friend does almost everything opposite of how you do it. As people, you are very similar, but your choices couldn't be more diametrically opposed. Because you get along as people, your opposite choices cause you both to think. As you think about the choices you make and why you make them, you become a better version of yourself. Along the way, you both laugh at the differences between you and relish the similarities.
• The Adventurer - This friend is always ready for whatever is next. A spur-of-the-moment shopping trip? She's in. A late night Outback cheese fries craving? She'll drive. A cake decorating class? Sign her up. Whether it's your idea or her idea, every idea is an opportunity for fun that should not be passed up.

The best part about these friends? They don't just fit one description all the time. Each one of the wonderful ladies in my life can fill many of these different positions. Sometimes the Laugher is my Advisor. And sometimes the Advisor is my Cheerleader. Thank God they aren't one-dimensional women. And thank God they all put up with me!


How did I do? Did I miss a must-have friend type?

P.S. If you are listed above (and you know who you are) THANK YOU!! I love you!

Remembering an Ancient Ritual

"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship. "
  - Thomas Aquinas

We're too smokin' for this blog!

Today I'm reminiscing about an ancient ritual - Girls Night Out. I say ancient because I haven't experienced it in a very long time. As I remember it, a bunch of girl friends leave their homes (and husbands and children) and go somewhere for fun, usually food, and great conversation. At least that's the fuzzy memory in my mind. It's been too long since I had time out with the girls. As I sit here missing them, my mind goes to what it is about friendship that I appreciate so much. 

I went through a friendship drought a few years back. 

When DH and I first moved to this town, we didn't' know anyone! It took us some time, but we made a few really good friends. We made "couple friends". You know those. That friendship where the wives are friends, the husbands are friends, and, as couples, everyone gets along. It's the best kind of relationship!

DH and I had very close "couples friends". We did everything together - even when we didn't mean to. We bought houses down the block from each other, within months of each other, completely without intending to. We each brought pets into our homes - cats. Then we had babies within months of each other - all boys. It just kept going like that. Both families growing through life together. We spent New Years together and watched Super Bowls together. We celebrated kids' birthdays together and went on double dates together. 

Then they moved. It was such a sad day in our lives. There went my friend. Now who would I talk to? 

That friendship drought went on for a long time. It was a very rough patch for me. 

I made other friends - I'm a very social person. But it takes a while for me to really open up. I kept at it; trying to make new friends and being on the lookout for someone who could be a "real" friend.

It took some time. Real friendship takes work. But I can say now that I have been blessed with some very special ladies in my life. These friends are the "call at 4am in an emergency" kind. They are the "I know I've lost my mind. Please help me put it back together." friends. I have some wonderful "I just need to laugh. Don't ask me any hard questions." friends. 

It took work to build new friendships. Anyone who thinks friends should just fall into their lap is sadly confused. Calendars have to be rearranged. Plans have to be made. Phone calls/texts/emails need to be exchanged. And hearts have to be put at risk. Over and over. 

The bonds of friendship are forged in the fires of life (that's pretty deep, and I made it up myself).We have to be open about the fires we are dealing with and willing to accept a hand to hold as we walk through those fires. 

Not really us jumping.

I miss my girls. It's been too long since we had time together. I need them. I need their laughter, their support, their understanding, and their unconditional love. 

I'm so blessed to have such good friends!

If you are one of the ladies I'm talking about, thank you! My life is richer because you are in it!

Linking up with Calm My Crazy today, because my friends do calm my crazy!