What Did You Say About My Friend?

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I want to tell you about a friend of mine. We’ll call her Morgan – because she will recognize herself in this post, but she may not want you to know who she is.

So Morgan told me yesterday that she is immature and needs to work on her image. I was floored! Morgan is not immature.  Want to know who she really is?

Morgan is thoughtful. She sees needs that others miss. Morgan is excellent at making people feel valued and welcome in any setting. Morgan sacrifices for her family – working long hours to bring in money to help them achieve their goals. Morgan takes action. When she sees the need that others missed, she doesn’t stop to discuss it or make sure she has permission. She just acts! And her actions are always for the benefit of everyone around her. She is selfless. She would give the shirt off her back or her last dollar to someone in need. She’s a joy! When Morgan walks into a room, the room lights up. You can’t help but smile when she’s around.

Yet, she thinks she needs to work on her image.

Ok. Another friend – let’s go with Brynn this time. Brynn heard a rumor that she had been labeled “pretentious” by another woman. That label has bothered her and caused her to examine how she interacts with others. Want to know who Brynn really is?

Brynn is generous. She gives of her time, home, money, energy, and heart in ways that cannot be measured. The lives she has touched with her generosity are too many to count. Her home is always open. Everything in her pantry is yours if you need it. Her time is your time. She will spend the night so you don’t have to be alone. She will watch your kids so you can go to that important appointment. She will talk on the phone with you until the wee hours of the morning, offering encouragement and support. And the counsel she gives is wise beyond her years. She listens with empathy and then offers gentle but brilliant advice on what to do next. My friend is loving and loyal. She will go to the wall for those who need her – all without expecting anything in return.

Yet, she’s worried she’s pretentious.

Do we really have to live with distorted views of ourselves?

How do we get here? How do we decide we are so flawed and miss all the value we bring to the table? I do it too. Somehow we let other people (usually those who are thoughtless and clueless) tell us who we are and miss the truth.

Do we really want to live like this? Believing negative lies about ourselves instead of realizing how much we have to offer and walking in our strengths?

I’m yelling “NO!” at my dining room table right now :-)

How do we fix it? How do we get a clearer picture of the value in us? I have four suggestions for us:

1. Let’s ask our best friends – ask them to tell us our strengths (write them down so we can go back to it later). Our friends know us well and can see what we bring to the table.
2. Ask God! He loves us and created us exactly the way we are on purpose! And He doesn’t make garbage. The Bible is full of passages about how much we are loved and how intentionally we have been created. God treasures us and has given us gifts and talents! We have value!
3. Now that you’ve asked the people who know you best, make a list of your strengths. Write it down. Frame it. Or laminate it. And refer to it often! I made my own list a while back here on my blog.  I need to dust it off and print it out for my own reference. I forget I have value just as much as the next girl. 
4. Encourage those women that you come in contact with. The world is such a mean and nasty place. We need to hear from each other that we are fabulous (I got those exact words in a text yesterday, and it carried me through my whole day) – and not in a fake or insincere way, but in an honest effort to help each other see our positives and rejoice in them.

I have to stop writing now and go tell a friend she is fabulous!

Warning - Not My Usual Post!

"A fine bunch of water lilies you turned out to be. I'd like to see anybody make me wash, if I didn't wanna."
 - Grumpy

Today is Wednesday. Usually on Wednesday, I post about something light and fluffy - something that makes me smile in an attempt to make you smile too.

Today, I don't wanna (insert childish whine here, complete with pout).

I'm just grumpy. No reason - life is really good here!

And today I don't like people - I could tell you all about it, but that would go against my post about guarding my tongue :-) I'm just generally annoyed with folks today - news folks, Facebook folks, most folks.

Not you, of course!!! I'm not annoyed with you at all! It's everyone else that's on my nerves.

So I don't want to blog about something light and fluffy (to my brother-in-law who was looking forward to today's post, check back next week). I'm too grumpy.

Maybe I need more girl time. I did see a friend last week, and we had a great time, but maybe I'm in a foul mood because I need more friend time. I'm going to go back and read my post about Girs' Night Out and see if it helps my mood.

Maybe I'm just having a pity party. Want to come? You are invited, but presents are required :-)

This too shall pass, but in the mean time, I'm going to go fix a second cup of coffee and curl up with a book.

Are You Sure My Words Matter?

"The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought, sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve. "
  - Buddha

I run off at the mouth.

If you know me in real life, you aren't surprised by this statement. I tend to say whatever comes to mind - sometimes for shock value but mostly because it's how I'm wired. It seems like the connection between my brain and my mouth has fewer obstructions than the average female.

Not my mouth -
mine is bigger :-)

As a result, I find myself regretting my words more frequently than I'd like. The temptation is to say "that's how God made me" and expect others to let me slide. I mean, if God made me like this, I can't be held responsible, right?

Today in church I heard that my words matter to God. What I say and how I say it matters. Can I tell you, I'm not very happy about this.

Apparently God wants me to think before I speak. God wants me to consider others' feelings when it comes to my words.

This is a very high bar!

Am I even capable of considering my words before they fly out of my mouth?

I think this task is especially difficult for women.

Women tend to speak more than men. We have a higher likelihood of saying things we shouldn't.

Women tend to be more passionate about topics. Passion tends to be a little less filtered than other things.

Women also tend to be nasty. Let's face it, the cattiest people we know, the ones who say the most hurtful words, are typically women.

Apparently, God doesn't like this. He wants our words to be pleasing to Him and kind to others.

I'm not really happy about hearing the sermon. It's a lot easier when my pastor preaches about things that aren't an issue for me - murder, stealing, etc . . .I'm less likely to commit those sins.
 

I know all too often I fail  to honor God with my words. Why is that? Why is it so easy for my words to be mean? Why is it easy for me to put others down? Why is it easy for me to criticize other people's outfits, their parenting, their hair style, whatever? Why is it so easy for me to judge and so hard for me to be kind?

I promise that I do not have the answers.

As you can see all I have are questions.

The big question right now is, if this is such a difficult task, why try?

I know there are those who don't. They assume that what happens in their brain should just fly right out of their mouths. They assume that since it happened in their head, they're justified in saying it out loud without any repercussions.

I couldn't disagree more. The words that come out of our mouths can hurt those around us. There is no justification for using my words to inflict pain on those around me - even if it's unintentional. Criticism (even when masked as helpfulness) can really wound.

If I heard my children speaking about their friends the way I have occasionally spoken about others behind their backs, I would be all over them! Notice the double standard? I just did. Ugh.

My goal for this week, is to guard my words - behind folks' backs, to their faces, and in general. I want to see just how much joy I can bring to God with my words. He has called me to the task, so I'm going to try.

I'm not clueless enough to think that I can do it alone. Only God's help will make this goal an option for me. I'm going to need a whole lot of His help this week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

What about you? Do you find it difficult to use kind words? Do you find yourself judging those around you? If those you speak about behind their backs could hear your words, how would they feel? This one gets me all the time.

Let me know what you think.