What Did You Say About My Friend?

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

I want to tell you about a friend of mine. We’ll call her Morgan – because she will recognize herself in this post, but she may not want you to know who she is.

So Morgan told me yesterday that she is immature and needs to work on her image. I was floored! Morgan is not immature.  Want to know who she really is?

Morgan is thoughtful. She sees needs that others miss. Morgan is excellent at making people feel valued and welcome in any setting. Morgan sacrifices for her family – working long hours to bring in money to help them achieve their goals. Morgan takes action. When she sees the need that others missed, she doesn’t stop to discuss it or make sure she has permission. She just acts! And her actions are always for the benefit of everyone around her. She is selfless. She would give the shirt off her back or her last dollar to someone in need. She’s a joy! When Morgan walks into a room, the room lights up. You can’t help but smile when she’s around.

Yet, she thinks she needs to work on her image.

Ok. Another friend – let’s go with Brynn this time. Brynn heard a rumor that she had been labeled “pretentious” by another woman. That label has bothered her and caused her to examine how she interacts with others. Want to know who Brynn really is?

Brynn is generous. She gives of her time, home, money, energy, and heart in ways that cannot be measured. The lives she has touched with her generosity are too many to count. Her home is always open. Everything in her pantry is yours if you need it. Her time is your time. She will spend the night so you don’t have to be alone. She will watch your kids so you can go to that important appointment. She will talk on the phone with you until the wee hours of the morning, offering encouragement and support. And the counsel she gives is wise beyond her years. She listens with empathy and then offers gentle but brilliant advice on what to do next. My friend is loving and loyal. She will go to the wall for those who need her – all without expecting anything in return.

Yet, she’s worried she’s pretentious.

Do we really have to live with distorted views of ourselves?

How do we get here? How do we decide we are so flawed and miss all the value we bring to the table? I do it too. Somehow we let other people (usually those who are thoughtless and clueless) tell us who we are and miss the truth.

Do we really want to live like this? Believing negative lies about ourselves instead of realizing how much we have to offer and walking in our strengths?

I’m yelling “NO!” at my dining room table right now :-)

How do we fix it? How do we get a clearer picture of the value in us? I have four suggestions for us:

1. Let’s ask our best friends – ask them to tell us our strengths (write them down so we can go back to it later). Our friends know us well and can see what we bring to the table.
2. Ask God! He loves us and created us exactly the way we are on purpose! And He doesn’t make garbage. The Bible is full of passages about how much we are loved and how intentionally we have been created. God treasures us and has given us gifts and talents! We have value!
3. Now that you’ve asked the people who know you best, make a list of your strengths. Write it down. Frame it. Or laminate it. And refer to it often! I made my own list a while back here on my blog.  I need to dust it off and print it out for my own reference. I forget I have value just as much as the next girl. 
4. Encourage those women that you come in contact with. The world is such a mean and nasty place. We need to hear from each other that we are fabulous (I got those exact words in a text yesterday, and it carried me through my whole day) – and not in a fake or insincere way, but in an honest effort to help each other see our positives and rejoice in them.

I have to stop writing now and go tell a friend she is fabulous!

I'm Tooting My Own Horn, and I'm Proud Of It!

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” 
-  Malcolm S. Forbes

After my post about figuring out who we are, I've heard from a few of you that coming up with your list of strengths is difficult. As women, we can be really hard on ourselves, so I wasn't surprised. But it made me sad.

I want us to be able to see the strengths that God has given us!

So I decided to list mine in an attempt to inspire you to list yours.

Your strength list will not match mine. That's a good thing. But we might have a few strengths in common.

Please keep something in mind as you read my list - some of my greatest strengths are also my most dangerous weaknesses.

Certain strengths are like a brand-new super weapon. In the right hands it's a great thing, but if it gets captured by the enemy, we will all be crawling into bomb shelters. So don't be surprised if some of the items from my strengths list also show up on my weakness list next time.

Without further ado, here's my list:

• I'm nurturing. 
• I'm hospitable.
• I'm comfortable speaking in public. 
• When there's a job to be done, I am all focus. 
• I think through an issue very quickly. 
• I can make hard decisions in minutes. 
• I can be a servant. 
• I know what I'm good at.

I have to confess that I took an informal poll of a few people who love me. My little sister gave me the first two.

What do I want you to do with my list? 

I want you to be inspired. I want you to feel free to sing your own praises. I want you to ask those who love you for their input. If you are having a hard time finding your strengths, let them help.

Then make your own list. 

It's okay to know what your strengths are. It doesn't make you prideful, or haughty. You aren't claiming that you gave the strength to yourself. That would be prideful. You are just acknowledging the fact that these strengths exist in you and are part of who you are. Nothing wrong with that.

So go ahead. List your strengths. Make it as long as you can come up with. Know that you are awesome.

I would love to hear your list. Why not put your list right here in my comment box? Let's rejoice together in who we have been made to be.

Struggling to Figure Out Who I Am

 The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.
 - Thales

I've really struggled with today's topic. I've worried over how to get my point across clearly. What's here is my best attempt and saying what I'm feeling.

---

As women, we are very hard on ourselves.

We struggle with self-worth and self-confidence.

Usually the struggle is because we put too much stock in what others think about us.

I want to find a way to tell all of us to let go of what others think and embrace who we were made to be {That sounds so corny!}.

Think about it - if we knew who we were made to be and could embrace that unapologetically, wouldn't that be a good thing? Wouldn't it free us up from other people's opinions to be the best version of ourselves?

This concept does stem from one basic assumption - that each of us were created intentionally and uniquely. It's a key point. God made each and every one of us to be unique - if we were all the same, most of us would be redundant and unnecessary. God also created us they way we are on purpose. The traits and characteristics we have are for a reason.

Now working off that assumption, if we are intended to be unique, why do we want to be like everyone else? Why do we compare ourselves to other women? You know we all do it. But it doesn't make sense. It's like comparing a koala to an alligator and deciding that the koala doesn't measure up because it's not just like the alligator.

So how does knowing that we are all unique and created intentionally help me with my self-worth?

I think that question is best answered with a little bit of homework. I'm going to do it too and post my answers for you next week.

1. List some of  your strengths (Yes, we all have some.) - What are you good at? What is awesome about you?
2. List some of your weaknesses (We all have these too.) - What really needs work? What do you struggle with?
3. List your personality traits - extrovert or introvert? pushy or passive? out front or behind the scenes? 

When you get stuck on any of the steps, ask someone who loves you and will be honest with you. Our goal is a sizable list in each category.

That's it for this post. Next week, I'll share my lists with you and suggest our next steps to dealing with the comparison trap and weight of other people's opinions.

---

How did it come across? Did I make any sense? You can tell me. Is there any chance that you will actually give the homework some thought? Or will you just wait to see what my lists are and go from there? You know by now that I genuinely care what you have to say. Thank you for humoring me as I worked through this issue.




Linking this post up with Calm My Crazy and Covered In Grace.

Don't Let My Curly Hair Fool You

I have naturally curly hair. It's big; it's wild; and folks love it. I get all kinds of compliments on my curly hair as if I did some magical thing to make my hair do what it does.

Can't live without this product!

Do you want the truth? My curls owe all their fabulous-ness to the product I use. My hairdresser told me about Mixed Chicks a few years ago, and I've been hooked ever since. Without the right product, my hair would be one giant frizz ball. Not to sound like a commercial for Mixed Chicks or anything, but I do swear by it to make my curls look good.

You know how no one would dare reach out and touch a stranger's stomach, but pregnancy seems to make it ok to touch a woman's belly? Curly hair is like that. Most people wouldn't reach out and touch someone else's hair. But when your hair is wild and curly, the same rules don't necessarily apply. People love to scrunch my curls or pull on them to watch them bounce back. I'm not kidding.

In case you know me in real life, you should know that I don't really mind. If I did, I'd tell you.

In addition to breaking the personal space rules, I've learned that curly hair sends a message to others about my personality. Folks see my curls and think I'm a fun, carefree, open book. I've been called an extroverted extrovert.

Love my curls - but there is more to me than my curls

My curls have labeled me.

Yes, my hair is curly. Yes, the message that it sends about my personality is partly true. But there is more to me than my outgoing personality.

Sometimes I'm not in the mood to be outgoing.
Sometimes I really need to stay home and soak up some quiet.
Sometimes I don't want to socialize or make others laugh.
Sometimes I want to sit in the corner and watch. And that's ok.

I'm more than my curly hair. And living with the label that comes with it can be exhausting. I feel compelled to perform. As if being quiet, reserved or uncertain are just not options for me.

Seriously? A whole post about curly hair? Where am I going with this?

I've been giving a lot of thought to labels lately. My friend Susan wrote a fantastic post about labels and the positive and negative ways they impact our lives.

We all have labels (self-imposed labels and those given to us by others). The label that comes with my hair is minor compared to the labels that others have to live with.

Here's my encouragement to you today:

Do you have labels you don't want to wear? It's ok to shed them! It's ok not to be the person others are telling you to be! God has created you in a unique way! Be who He wants you to be!

Whether the labels are self-imposed or pasted on you by others, be sure they are labels you want to wear proudly. If they are, relish them! Enjoy being that person!

What about you? What labels do you wish you could shed? Which ones are you happy about? I always love to hear what you have to say!



Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out.

No Respect for Mom!

"Train children in the way they should go; when they grow old, they won’t depart from it."
 - Proverbs 22:6

We've been dealing with an interesting issue here in our house - lack of respect for my hard work and the tendency to treat me like a personal servant.  My children seem to think that all I do every day is watch TV and drink coffee while they are at school. I wish!

I've blogged about other things children need to know - they are loved, and they are not the boss. This is just one more topic in my unofficial series about what children need to know. The whole "series" is based on our own process of raising our kids - real things we are facing/have faced that we figure out as we go.

I'm hopeful that others can learn from our process and save themselves some grief.

Children need to have respect and gratitude for their mothers.

Teaching our children respect and gratitude is not a fun task. It involves a lot of work - typically on a mother's part.

But it's important!

Let's take a regularly occurring for-instance in our home.

One of my boys looks at me and says, "I'm thirsty."

Now if this was a guest in my house, I would happily get up and get them something to drink. And I could do that for my son. But what will that teach him? That he can treat people as his personal servants and be entitled to special treatment. Not a great lesson to take into adulthood.

Side note here - getting him his drink without another word is by far the easiest option, and I'm guilty of it more times than I'd like to admit. But it's not the best way to teach him how to be a productive human being with a respect for others.

My other choice when a child says, "I'm thirsty." is to respond, "That's nice."

When he looks at me funny and repeats himself, I give him "the look" - you know, the one that tells our kids they are stepping onto thin ice. Then my son realizes that he has overstepped. He sweetly changes his tune to, "Mommy, could you please get me a drink?" I respond sweetly and get him a drink.

What's my point here? What am I hoping to teach my son?

I want him to know how to treat people. That starts with how he treats me. If he doesn't have respect for me, he won't have respect for others.

We've all seen those children who think the world should revolve around them and their desires. They turn in to the adults we avoid. I don't want my children to have an attitude of entitlement. I want them to respect other people.

But it's a tough job! It's work to deal with his attitude every single time. I'm trusting that it will be worth it.

So the next time your kid looks at you and says, "I'm thirsty" or "Get me a drink", think of me. Think of the battle I'm fighting to teach my children respect and know that you are not alone. Take the time to demand respect from your child. You are worth it!



Linking up with The Coffee Shop.

Judging By The Cover Or Waiting Until We Read a Few Chapters?

"Don't judge a book by its cover."
 - American Proverb

They say we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I've never understood that. When I go to the library (one of my personal happy places), I choose what books I want to bring home by their covers. How else would I choose? I look at the photo or colors on the book jacket. I try to decide if the title sounds interesting. I wonder if the author is any good. Then I check it out and take it home to read it.

I've been deceived by book covers. Some of the most boring or poorly written books have had the prettiest covers. Some of the most intriguing titles have belonged to books with no plot. And I've discovered later that some of the books I left behind on the library shelves were books I really would have loved - books full of adventure, plot twists, and well-developed characters.

What about the people in my life? Am I judging them by their "covers"? Have I chosen who to invite over for coffee based on the "cover of their book"?  Have I missed out on a really great friendship because the "cover of the book" wasn't appealing? What does the "cover of my book" look like?

I have given a lot of thought to what the "cover of my book" looks like. What do people see when they meet me the first few times? I asked DH to make sure I wasn't completely confused about the image I present to the world. He assured me that I'm not too far off the mark, so here goes.

My "cover" shows a confident extrovert; an open, friendly girl who loves a good party and who never met a stranger. I also come across as a bit of a ditz - gullible and easily confused.

But my "cover" is not all there is to the story. Get to know me (read a few chapters in), and you will discover that I need quiet time alone to recharge after time with people. I actually value my privacy and keep more to myself than I share. And I second guess myself all the time! Self-doubt and I are very intimately acquainted.  And I'm no dummy. God has blessed me with a fairly high level of intelligence which comes as a shock to some people.

My "cover" is not fake. I am the girl my "cover" portrays. But there is so much more to me. I go much deeper than most people realize because they just assume that the "cover" tells the whole story.

So if that's true for me, doesn't it make sense that it would be true for others? Isn't it safe to assume that their "covers" don't tell the whole story?

This last question is really making me pause (even I as type this). I know I'm guilty of judging people by my first impressions of them. And I know I've discovered later that my first impression was wrong. But am I still doing it? Am I still deciding who to get to know better by the "cover of their book"? Is that what I want to do?

Let's flip this for a minute. Do you know what the "cover of your book" looks like? Don't assume you do. Ask someone who loves you. Ask them what image you present to the world. And then brace for honesty. It's possible that the image you present is not one you will be happy with. It's possible that what people actually see when they meet you is not at all what you think it is. So ask someone who will tell you the truth.

Then decide if the image you present is one you are happy with. I'm asking myself that question today. Is my "cover" honest enough? Should I work on matching my "cover" to the whole story? Or is it ok to keep somethings to be discovered as the story unfolds? I don't really have answers. Just lots of questions. But that's pretty typical for me :-)



Linking up with Covered in Grace and Bloggy Moms

Practical Ways We Teach Our Kids Who They Are

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful . . ."
 - Psalm 139:14

In my last post about parenting, I mentioned that DH and I want our boys to know who they are. If you missed it, you can catch up here. I promised you some of the practical ways we are trying to teach our boys who they are in God and who they are in our family.

My three boys - ages 10, 9, and 5

• DH and I are still learning, but we make sure to praise the boys - especially in front of others. Hearing us say good things about them really boosts their self-esteem and reinforces the idea that they matter. The world can be a cruel place. Our boys need to know that at home they are loved and appreciated for who they are. Our words are so powerful and have such an impact on their lives.


• We also try to have the whole family present at each child's event - we all go to S2's baseball games, and then we all go to S1's band concerts. When S3 plays basketball this winter, we will all watch every game. We are trying to get across the idea that they all matter equally. I know this concept isn't possible for every family or for every event. But when S2 gets up to bat, if the whole family is in the stands watching, he knows that what is important to him is important to us because we love him. Whether he strikes out or hits a home run, he knows that we have his back.


• We let the boys vote. Each week we hold a family meeting. We discuss the calendar for the coming week and the proposed menu plan (when I have one). The boys get to vote on the meals (they don't always get their way, but we do listen to what they have to say), and everyone gets input on the calendar. We're not a democracy in any way - we tell the boys that our home is a Benevolent Dictatorship :-) - but they do get to have a say. Having a vote reinforces the idea that they matter.


• We serve together. Whatever service project/ministry we are involved in, we all do it together. We tell the kids that without their help, we wouldn't be successful in the endeavor. This idea gives them such a sense of importance - in a good way. They get to serve others as a member of a team. They see the positive results of service and feel the camaraderie of teamwork. They are learning that they are a critical member of a team.


• We remind them of God's love for them and His plan for their lives. We tell them often that He made them just the way they are on purpose. They need to be the person He created them to be in order to do the tasks He has planned for them to do. 

We're not perfect parents by any stretch. And my boys are still young (5, 9, and 10), so I know we have a long way to go and much to learn. But so far, these things are working here.

Are You Sure My Words Matter?

"The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought, sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve. "
  - Buddha

I run off at the mouth.

If you know me in real life, you aren't surprised by this statement. I tend to say whatever comes to mind - sometimes for shock value but mostly because it's how I'm wired. It seems like the connection between my brain and my mouth has fewer obstructions than the average female.

Not my mouth -
mine is bigger :-)

As a result, I find myself regretting my words more frequently than I'd like. The temptation is to say "that's how God made me" and expect others to let me slide. I mean, if God made me like this, I can't be held responsible, right?

Today in church I heard that my words matter to God. What I say and how I say it matters. Can I tell you, I'm not very happy about this.

Apparently God wants me to think before I speak. God wants me to consider others' feelings when it comes to my words.

This is a very high bar!

Am I even capable of considering my words before they fly out of my mouth?

I think this task is especially difficult for women.

Women tend to speak more than men. We have a higher likelihood of saying things we shouldn't.

Women tend to be more passionate about topics. Passion tends to be a little less filtered than other things.

Women also tend to be nasty. Let's face it, the cattiest people we know, the ones who say the most hurtful words, are typically women.

Apparently, God doesn't like this. He wants our words to be pleasing to Him and kind to others.

I'm not really happy about hearing the sermon. It's a lot easier when my pastor preaches about things that aren't an issue for me - murder, stealing, etc . . .I'm less likely to commit those sins.
 

I know all too often I fail  to honor God with my words. Why is that? Why is it so easy for my words to be mean? Why is it easy for me to put others down? Why is it easy for me to criticize other people's outfits, their parenting, their hair style, whatever? Why is it so easy for me to judge and so hard for me to be kind?

I promise that I do not have the answers.

As you can see all I have are questions.

The big question right now is, if this is such a difficult task, why try?

I know there are those who don't. They assume that what happens in their brain should just fly right out of their mouths. They assume that since it happened in their head, they're justified in saying it out loud without any repercussions.

I couldn't disagree more. The words that come out of our mouths can hurt those around us. There is no justification for using my words to inflict pain on those around me - even if it's unintentional. Criticism (even when masked as helpfulness) can really wound.

If I heard my children speaking about their friends the way I have occasionally spoken about others behind their backs, I would be all over them! Notice the double standard? I just did. Ugh.

My goal for this week, is to guard my words - behind folks' backs, to their faces, and in general. I want to see just how much joy I can bring to God with my words. He has called me to the task, so I'm going to try.

I'm not clueless enough to think that I can do it alone. Only God's help will make this goal an option for me. I'm going to need a whole lot of His help this week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

What about you? Do you find it difficult to use kind words? Do you find yourself judging those around you? If those you speak about behind their backs could hear your words, how would they feel? This one gets me all the time.

Let me know what you think.