Can I Consider All of This Joy?

Marsh Creek State Park

I’ve been avoiding God. For three weeks or so, I’ve just been phoning it in where our relationship is concerned - doing the bare minimum. Why? Excellent question. I’m not entirely sure. I’m sitting beside a lake today (in my car because the wind is fierce, and hello, my hair) trying to figure it out.

When I left the house today, I asked God where He wanted me to go, and a picture of this lake popped into my head. I’ve come here before to get some peace and sort through things. I just stare at the water, try to calm my mind, and ask God what He needs to say to me. I don’t hear any audible voices or anything, but the absence of my usual daily distractions does allow me to pray, recall Scripture, and feel a renewed peace.

Anyway, today, as I sat there and asked God why I had been avoiding Him and what it was we needed to work out, a Bible verse very clearly came to mind: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). I immediately bristled and got prickly with God.

“No. I’m not ready to count it all joy.” - referring here to my many-years-long battle with brain injury and now struggles with walking and back pain.

But the verse was now on repeat in my head. Is this verse, this concept, why I’ve been avoiding Him? Did I know that this verse represented His new goal for me? That bar is too high. I can’t hit it. Shoot - I don’t even want to hit it.

Oh.

There’s the problem. I have no interest in calling this trial a "joy". I have no intention of obeying this Bible verse.

Talk about an eye-opener! Serious heart check moment.

Let me insert some clarification here. These posts have become a way for me to process my thoughts, pray, sort through Scripture, and figure out what God is saying to me. It’s my hope that by sharing the things God is teaching me - in very raw and honest words - someone else can be encouraged to seek answers and chase after what God is saying to her heart. As I journal my questions, doubts, and frustrations, my desire is that someone else will feel free to truly open her heart to God and trust Him to be gentle with all the broken parts. I firmly believe that Jesus wants us to come to Him just as we are - with questions, fears, doubts, frustrations, etc. So I’m putting all of mine out here and being open about the process of letting God work.

In the book of Mark (chapter 9), we read an account of a man who brings his son to Jesus for healing. The man says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus says, “All things are possible for one who believes”. The man cries out, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

That’s how I feel! I want to obey; help my disobedience!

It is my heart’s desire to obey and honor God. I want to! But to call this journey with brain injury “joy” is killing me. My spirit is in absolute opposition to it. My heels are dug in! But we don’t get to pick and choose scripture. That’s not how this works.

At this point, I spent a long time looking into James 1. Maybe somewhere I could find a wise Bible scholar who could show me what the Bible meant or how to obey this particular verse. Maybe more knowledge was what I needed. I looked up commentaries. I looked into word definitions. I learned that historians think that the author was Jesus’ brother. None of it told me how to count it all joy. So I stared at the lake and kept praying.

“Lord, I want to obey you. Please show me how.”

An author and speaker came to mind: Joni Eareckson Tada. Her story is one of honoring God in spite of becoming a quadriplegic. She is now dealing with chronic pain on top of her paralysis. I decided to google her. I could go on and on about the things I found, (if you ever want to be inspired by someone who has figured out how to live a life of joy in the midst of trials, y'all should look her up!) but here is the big gem: instead of the “how” to count my circumstances as joy, what if I looked for a “why”? So I looked for reasons for joy and found some!

Because of my situation, people are watching - my kids, folks in real life, and people on social media. Because people are watching, they will see how I respond. Because God gives me strength, I am mostly able to respond with positivity and laughter instead of sadness and despair. That gap between my natural response to this mess and the positive way I am able to react because of His strength can point those who are watching to Him! I can be a feature film about God’s kindness, and others can see Him as I navigate through this trial. That idea DOES bring me joy. That puts a huge smile in my heart.

So let’s wrap this up:

• Brain damage - not a joy
• Trouble walking - no joy there
• Daily struggles just to accomplish basic tasks - nope. No joy
• The opportunity to rely on God’s strength, to ask Him to guide my heart and mind as I respond to these trials and show His light to the world through positivity and laughter - YES! A major reason for joy!

So, starting today, I’m going to count my opportunity to show off His strength as a joy. Well, I’m gonna try. I'm bound to mess it up. But God has proven Himself to be infinitely patient as I try again. And again :-)

And I'm ordering Joni Eareckson Tada’s book “A Place Of Healing” this very minute!

I've Been Thinking About Priorities.

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.
 - Stephen Covey

I'm back!

I took a blogging break for a while. You can read about that decision here. It wasn't a fun call to make, but it was the right one. My life needed me to be fully present for a bit. 

While I was away from my blog, I had time to think through some questions that had been bugging me. 

Where does blogging fit into my life? How do I get everything on my to-do list done? How do I carve out time for me and the things that matter to me?

I went around in circles and kept coming back to the idea of a filter - not for my words; that's a whole different post - for my life. If I make a filter of my priorities and pass everything through it, decisions could be easier and life might be simpler. 

So what are my priorities?

1) God - I want to get to know Him better and keep learning more about who He created me to be. 

2) Family - my husband and three boys matter to me. I desperately want to be the best wife and mother that I can be. 

3) Others - I want to be an encouragement to other women. Whether they are in my real life or my friends in cyber space, I want to be someone who inspires those around me to embrace who they are and live life to the fullest. 

Ok. Now I have my priorities clearly stated. What do I do with them?

Now I use them as a test for every option that crosses my path. 

• Lunch duty at my kids' school? Passes through the filter. So I sign up. 
• Helping a friend finish a major project with a looming deadline? That passes the test. I say yes. 
• Helping to plan an event that I'm not interested in that doesn't reach out to women? Does not pass the test! I say no. 

[A side note here - there is nothing wrong with saying no. Sometimes we have to say no to those who want us to do something. It's ok. Don't feel guilty. Know what your priorities are. Know how much you and your family can handle. Then give the request a fair shake. If it doesn't pass the priorities filter, or if it would just be too much on your family, say no. And don't let anyone give you grief about it. Side note over.]

• Joining the gym now that all my boys are in full day school? It will keep me healthy and sane and help me be the wife and mother I want to be. Passes the test. I say yes. 

I had to take my blogging break because my family needed me. My family comes before others, and my blog is for me and others. My filter of priorities made it an easy call. 

That doesn't mean I didn't miss you! I missed our interactions here, on Twitter, and on Facebook. I missed hearing your thoughts on what I have to say. I'm so happy to be back!

What are your priorities? They don't have to be the same as mine. Does everything in your life pass the filter right now? I love hearing what you have to say!



Linking this post with Covered In Grace's Monday Meet Up, and Things I Can't Say

With Friends Like These . . .

"Men use care in purchasing a horse and are neglectful in choosing friends."
 - John Muir

I've been pondering this post for a while. It might be a little controversial, and I really hate conflict. But when I get an idea stuck in my head, I have to go with it. So here goes.

Recently, I posted a list of friend types every girl needs. If you missed it, you can read my list here. Then I discovered that there is another list in my head - the list of friend types every girl should handle with care. I'm not advocating cleaning out your friend list on Facebook or editing the contacts app on your iPhone. But if one of these types is in your circle, a little insight can go a long way.

• The Victim - this is the one whose life is always awful. Nothing ever goes right, and it's never her fault. There is never a silver lining to the dark clouds. The whole world hates her, and she is very quick to tell you about it. 
• Why is this a friend to handle with caution? She has the ability to bring down everyone within hearing distance! Her view of life can be a complete drain on your joy. Extensive time with this friend will wear you down emotionally. 
• My advice - spend time together sparingly and in small doses.  

• The Perfect One - have you met her? She's the always happy, always put together, "everything is roses" friend. Nothing is ever bad, and she never makes mistakes. This lovely lady just can't be real with those around her. She can't admit that she is a real person with issues, baggage, and bad hair days. 
• Why be wary with this lady? She can really make an impact on your self-worth. Since the image she presents isn't real, measuring up is impossible. Feeling like you don't cut it will wear down your spirit and cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities.
• My advice - filter all she says and does through the knowledge that it's not real. She's like the pictures of models in magazines - lovely, but totally airbrushed.


• The Complainer -She's a wonderful lady until she opens her mouth. Everything is wrong. Her husband is stupid, her kids are demons, and her job is awful. She's not blaming anyone - just venting. All the time!
• Why is her outlook a problem? We all need to vent  from time to time. And having friends to vent to is one of life's sweet joys. But the constant venting can wear you down! Not being able to stop and smell the roses will exhaust you and will color the way you look at your own life. 
• My advice - after time with this friend, sit down and list all your blessings. Remind yourself of all the positives in  your life.


• The Anchor -This friend means well. She really does. But her concern for you leaving her behind is causing issues between you. You want to lose weight, she offers you cake and cookies. She doesn't intend to sabotage you. But subconsciously, she worries that if you get skinny, you will leave her behind for new friends. You want to go back to school and get your degree. She tells you all the reasons school won't fit into your life. She fears that if you get a degree, you won't want to be friends with her anymore.
• Why worry about this one? Her heart isn't evil. She most likely doesn't even realize what she's doing. Her cautions will even sound completely valid. But she could keep you from becoming all that God has planned for you to be!
• My advice - realize her fears for what they are. Reassure her that your friendship matters and that you will do all you can to foster it.


• The Bully -This one really gets me stirred up. This "friend" always knows better. Everything you do/say/wear can be improved simply by listening to her. She knows better than you how to raise your kids, decorate your house, and deal with your husband. And every piece of advice is unsolicited. This friend may be hard to detect. Usually, their advice is cloaked in "girl talk" - just two girls talking about normal girl topics. But after she goes home, you realize that the whole time  you were talking, she was criticizing you!
• Why be alert with this one? Being constantly critiqued will wear down your spirit! Having that critique come disguised as friendship, can cut to the core. 
• My advice - stand up for yourself! You don't have to take the criticism. If you didn't ask for input, you certainly don't have to stand there and take it. Let the Bully know that you have it under control and that if you need help, you will ask. Until then, thanks but no thanks.

So now what? I've given you my list. What do I hope you will do with it?

First, I would love to hear your thoughts. Did I miss a type to be wary of? Did I overstep with this list? Did I miss a danger of one of these friendships?

Second, as you spend time with the ladies in your life, consider the impact they are having on you. How do you feel after they leave? Are you encouraged or drained? Do you feel inspired or dragged down? If time with a friend leaves you feeling discouraged, look for the reason. Is it you? Is it them? What changes do you need to make?

UPDATE - after talking to DH (my best friend, and the string to my kite - I'll elaborate on that one another day), and a fellow blogger (thanks, Susan!), I realize that I left out a very important part of this topic. What if one of the types I listed hits a little close to home? What if I just described you?

First off, to my wonderful friends, I didn't have any one person specifically in mind as I typed this. This list is based on lots of different women who have crossed my path during my lifetime.

Second, I have been these types myself!  I know the dangers of these types of friends because I have ruined friendships with these character traits myself.

So if you see yourself in my list, please know that you are not alone. I've been there. The good news is that we don't have to stay there!! God can change us. We must acknowledge our need and ask for His help. He is faithful to complete the work He has started in us.

Linking this post up with Covered In Grace.

Are You Sure My Words Matter?

"The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought, sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve. "
  - Buddha

I run off at the mouth.

If you know me in real life, you aren't surprised by this statement. I tend to say whatever comes to mind - sometimes for shock value but mostly because it's how I'm wired. It seems like the connection between my brain and my mouth has fewer obstructions than the average female.

Not my mouth -
mine is bigger :-)

As a result, I find myself regretting my words more frequently than I'd like. The temptation is to say "that's how God made me" and expect others to let me slide. I mean, if God made me like this, I can't be held responsible, right?

Today in church I heard that my words matter to God. What I say and how I say it matters. Can I tell you, I'm not very happy about this.

Apparently God wants me to think before I speak. God wants me to consider others' feelings when it comes to my words.

This is a very high bar!

Am I even capable of considering my words before they fly out of my mouth?

I think this task is especially difficult for women.

Women tend to speak more than men. We have a higher likelihood of saying things we shouldn't.

Women tend to be more passionate about topics. Passion tends to be a little less filtered than other things.

Women also tend to be nasty. Let's face it, the cattiest people we know, the ones who say the most hurtful words, are typically women.

Apparently, God doesn't like this. He wants our words to be pleasing to Him and kind to others.

I'm not really happy about hearing the sermon. It's a lot easier when my pastor preaches about things that aren't an issue for me - murder, stealing, etc . . .I'm less likely to commit those sins.
 

I know all too often I fail  to honor God with my words. Why is that? Why is it so easy for my words to be mean? Why is it easy for me to put others down? Why is it easy for me to criticize other people's outfits, their parenting, their hair style, whatever? Why is it so easy for me to judge and so hard for me to be kind?

I promise that I do not have the answers.

As you can see all I have are questions.

The big question right now is, if this is such a difficult task, why try?

I know there are those who don't. They assume that what happens in their brain should just fly right out of their mouths. They assume that since it happened in their head, they're justified in saying it out loud without any repercussions.

I couldn't disagree more. The words that come out of our mouths can hurt those around us. There is no justification for using my words to inflict pain on those around me - even if it's unintentional. Criticism (even when masked as helpfulness) can really wound.

If I heard my children speaking about their friends the way I have occasionally spoken about others behind their backs, I would be all over them! Notice the double standard? I just did. Ugh.

My goal for this week, is to guard my words - behind folks' backs, to their faces, and in general. I want to see just how much joy I can bring to God with my words. He has called me to the task, so I'm going to try.

I'm not clueless enough to think that I can do it alone. Only God's help will make this goal an option for me. I'm going to need a whole lot of His help this week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

What about you? Do you find it difficult to use kind words? Do you find yourself judging those around you? If those you speak about behind their backs could hear your words, how would they feel? This one gets me all the time.

Let me know what you think.

One of the Main Reasons Why I Blog

"Where there is no vision, the people perish . . ."
 - Proverbs 29:18a (KJV)

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to why I'm blogging. Why did I start it (other than to give DH's ears a rest)? What is the message I'm hoping to communicate? Who do I want to communicate it to?

I'm starting to figure it out. I could be cryptic and let you put the pieces together as the blog continues, but it seemed to make more sense for me to just be up front with it.

One of the main things I'm passionate about is wanting every woman to know that she is someone special. God made each one of us the way we are for a reason. My desire is for every woman to figure out who she is and be proud of being that person.

My goal would be for women everywhere to know that they are unique and be thankful for that.

You are not like me (no audible cheers here please). I am not like you. Being different from each other doesn't make one of us less than the other. We're just different.

It's so hard to be a woman some days. I don't know about you, but I find myself comparing myself to other women. "She's so much skinnier than I am." "She's a LOT sweeter than me." "I wish I could be as good at housekeeping as she is." So maybe not that last one, but you get the idea.

In comparing ourselves to others, we fail to appreciate the person we were made to be. It's an easy trap to fall in to.

My hope is to help women see that they are good enough, just as they are. We all should aim to be the best us that we can be. But aiming to be like others will just wear us out.

Don't ask me how I intend to convey this message to the women of the world. I don't even know how I'm going to convey this message to those who read my blog (by the way, THANK YOU for reading!! I'm still stunned that people are reading what I have to say!!!!).

I just know that this message is one of the major reasons why I blog. And I wanted you to know.

A Question (or 38) For You

We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself.
 - Lloyd Alexander


Can I ask you a question? Or thirty-eight?

Do you ever wonder about a subject, unable to find any clear answers?

Can I share a topic I've been pondering lately? All in the form of questions since I don't have any answers?

Where is the line between maintaining a sense of privacy and letting others into your life enough to be able to connect?

How much online sharing (Facebook, Twitter, Blogging) is too much?

Is there a danger in sharing too much? Do the details of my life really need to be out there for all to see? If I share those details with the world, does that make the events less special for me? For those involved in the event in real life? Am I cheapening my life by sharing everything with everyone?

Is it possible to put my children at risk by oversharing about them? When they finally venture into the cyber world, will they be happy that their faces are already all over the internet? Will they appreciate pictures of them in a diaper or some other situation that might be an embarrassment when they try to create their own cyber presence? Will the pictures/tweets/status updates that are cute now be cute to them someday? Do I realize that what I post cannot be unposted? What about the "friends" that see these pics, etc? Am I really sure that they are the same person I knew way back when? Can I be certain that there is not a predator on my list of "friends" or "followers"? Is any of this really worth putting that picture of my cutie out there for all to see? What is gained by posting? What is lost by not posting? What is preserved by keeping it private?

What about my family as a whole? If I want what happens in our home to be special, do I cheapen it by sharing it with the whole world? How much is too much? At what point are there more than just us in the house because I've invited my whole world of cyber "friends" to come for dinner?

But without sharing, can there be real connections? Don't all great speakers/writers expose a slice of themselves to connect with their audience? Can I connect with my audience without sharing? If so, how? If not - if sharing is required - how much is necessary? If I want to be real and genuine and also maintain a boundary of public/private, where is the line?

Have you ever given any of this any thought? Or do you just post whatever comes to mind with no thought to the consequences?

Can you tell that I have been giving this a lot of thought? If you have thought about it, would you please share with me?