What Do We Do When The Lights Go Out?

What do we do when it's been a really hard week? I mean so emotionally taxing that just the basic tasks are too much? When the load we have to carry seems so heavy that we are sure we can't go one more step? I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I may be the only one here with a brain injury, but unfortunately, there is a multitude of trials out there, and we all have our crosses to bear. And they do get SO heavy! What do we do? How do we keep going when it seems the light has gone out?

I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I'm usually a ray of sunshine. I joke that I walk around like a swallowed a light bulb :-) For those of you who know the enneagram, I'm an enneagram type 7 from my head to my toes. I'm almost always able to see the positives in any situation and have an easy smile for anyone, at any moment. It's just how God made me - I sparkle. But this past week, my spark went out. It's as if someone reached inside me, grabbed the pull-chain on my internal light bulb, and pulled. And the light went out.

I don't know how much you know about life with a chronic condition, but it's really hard sometimes. On top of the normal parenting, marriage, and life stuff that all have to be navigated, pile physical pain and exhaustion, never-ending medical decisions to be made, doctor visits, and the daily attacks on self-esteem that come with physical limitations. I'm not sharing all of this to whine or to ask for pity. But none of the rest of what I have to say will make any sense if I'm not honest with you about the difficulties.

Brain mapping in action - before it got
crazy painful and I started crying

I hit my emotional limit during a "brain mapping" test that I was doing last week. It's not designed to be painful, but the flashing images and random beeping caused a severe headache and had tears streaming down my face while I finished the test. We had tried something new to find answers, and it was backfiring. We spent time, money and energy on something new. Again. And just like all the things we had tried before, this one seemed like a bust.

Drew took this one during a treatment
we tried in June. Not only didn't it 
work, it left me sick for days.

As I sat there crying during that test, I felt absolutely depleted - empty of all energy - just done. I was so tired of trying things and seeing doctors that didn't work. I was over getting my hopes up just to be disappointed again. That emotional roller coaster has really taken its toll on me over the years, and I don't want to ride it any more. I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, pull up the covers, and stay for a week.

The light inside just went out. I had hit my emotional limit. The bottom.

Have you ever been there? Maybe it's not a chronic medical condition that has pushed you to your limit, but unfortunately, life is full of trials and suffering that give us more than we can handle. Have you ever felt like someone just reached inside, grabbed the pull-chain on your internal light bulb and pulled? The light is off. That's it. I'm done.

What do we do in those moments? Where do we turn?

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. All I can tell you is that here I am a few days removed, and the light is starting to shine again. So I'll share what choices I made in the hope that it will help you when your light goes out.
The first thing I have to do when I'm struggling emotionally is to acknowledge the messages my emotions are sending. Ignoring our emotions isn't healthy long term. God gave them to us for a reason. They are telling us something, and we need to listen. I tend to speak my emotions out loud in prayer. David did that too in the book of Psalms. When he felt defeated or alone, he told God all about it. You can check that out in Psalm 22 especially. I tell God exactly what I'm feeling. No fancy words or scripted prayers - just cries of my heart.

Step two is searching for what I know to be true. My emotions are real and valid. But they are not always going to lead me to truth. There is only one source of truth, and if I'm going to be healthy and find my way back from the bottom, I have to find that truth and cling to it!!! Where do I go for that truth? Straight to the Bible. Whatever my emotions are telling me, I go find the truth of God's Word that deals with those pain points. For me this week, my emotions told me that I was carrying more than I could handle and I would never be able to carry this heavy load. I intentionally went searching for what the Bible has to say about it. When I found verses that spoke to my heart with God's truth, I printed them out and taped them up so I could see them every day!

It comes down to making a choice to believe the things I know to be true and holding on to those truths with all my might until my emotions recover. It’s an act of discipline that I’ve worked really hard at over the last few years of this journey.

Here’s a for-instance - when I’m feeling all alone and forgotten, I print out the verse that says “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) I hang it up where I will see it. I focus on it. I find worship songs on Spotify that fit that theme. I drill the facts of the Bible into my head until my heart finally catches up. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean I am. I acknowledge those feelings, tell God about them, ask Him to let me feel His presence, and then remind myself of the truth that I know as many times as it takes. Emotions are wonderful messengers that we need to pay attention to, but they don’t tell the whole story. Just because I feel alone doesn’t mean that I am alone.

Here are some other truths we can hang on to when the lights go out:

• He is working all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28)
• Greater is He that is in us than He who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
• Our God is for us! (Romans 8:31)
• God is our very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1)
• He who promised will be faithful (Hebrews 10:23)

(This list is adapted from Unexpected: Leave Fear Behind, Move Forward in Faith, Embrace the Adventure by Christine Caine - A book I highly recommend!)

As I cling to the truths of God's Word, my internal dimmer switch is slowly sliding up. I'm gradually starting to feel like myself again, emotionally. God is giving me His strength to face each new day and the challenges that come. When you see me sparkle (in real life or online), you will know where the light comes from :-)

A Thankful Post - Two Weeks Late :-)

Making cookies - in my pjs -
doesn't everyone?

I know I’m a few days late on the “I’m thankful for . . .” post, and I’m gonna weird it out even further by being thankful for a room in my house (don’t fuss at me - yes, I’m thankful for my family and all the normal stuff - keep reading). I’m thankful for my kitchen. And chocolate chip cookies. Yup. That’s weird, I know. But both items have been my sanity-savers over the last 3.5 years as I’ve dealt with traumatic brain injury. If you are looking for me on almost any day, you will find me in my kitchen. And I'm probably making chocolate chip cookies.

The kitchen island where all those
cookies get made

Baking has become my favorite therapeutic outlet - it’s a great way to gently stretch my brain, engage in something creative, and love on those around me (finding a way to contribute to the world when I spend so much time at home has been absolutely vital to me). In God’s perfect timing, a major remodel of our kitchen was finished just a few months before the accident that caused my brain injury. God knew what was coming and made sure I had what I would need in the toughest season of my life. He’s good like that.

Side note:

Yes, God knew I was going to fall.
Yes, God knew it was going to change my life in many ways - some of them very painful.
Yes, He could have prevented my fall.
No, I don’t know why He didn’t prevent all that I have gone through.

But

I do know that God loves me - more than I can imagine.
I know that He is good, and He will bring good from this.
His Word promises these things.
I know He is a God I can trust.
He has been faithful - SO faithful to me - all my life.
I can look back over my 43 years and see Him at work in my life time and time again.

Because I know He loves me, and because I know He’s trustworthy, I can trust Him in this situation too.
He will work it for my good.
He will heal me at the right time. His time.
In the mean time, He will walk beside me as I deal with this injury and all it involves, giving me His strength, brand new, for each day.
And He is ready to catch my tears when they fall, hear my honest (sometimes angry) questions, and occasionally, even send answers.
He is a good God.

A box of cookies with my
very own label on it - my
sister designed this label
and had them printed up
for me

On that note, back to the kitchen 🙂 Early on, brain rest got really boring, so I watched a ton of Food Network. That got my creative juices flowing, and I ended up in the kitchen when I felt up to it. I tried so many different recipes. My family was thrilled with all my experimenting, and I was happy to have a gentle way to engage my mind. Not using your brain is dull and boring!! Over the course of a year or so, I landed on a chocolate cookie recipe that was pretty decent. I played with it over a few months and tweaked it to make it my own. Then one day I decided to put a bunch of those cookies in a cute container and send them to Jazz Band with Aaron. Just like that, my new “thing” was born.

Here we are a few years later. My boxes of chocolate chip cookies have gone to the school district offices to help lift their spirits during snow season. Boxes have been delivered to the middle school - who needs cookies more than middle school teachers and office staff? Boxes greet marching band in the stands every Friday night as they support the football team. And the high school football, basketball, and track teams all get boxes after games/meets. Young Life leaders take home bags of cookies, and some preschool teachers have found them in their staff room during meetings.

Why am I telling you this? I sound so boastful! “Look at all the people I’ve given cookies too! I’m awesome!” No!! Look at what God did!! He gave me a kitchen. He helped me find a recipe that I could tweak. He helped me find a way to contribute to my community (when I desperately needed one) even though I need to spend most of my time at home. He gives me ideas of who to send cookies to. He helped my sister and I find the cute boxes. He gave my sister the fun idea of making up labels for my boxes just to make them cute, and to make those who receive them feel special. And every time I make a batch of dough, it’s because God has given me the physical and mental strength to do it. This is His story. I’m so honored to be able to tell it!

God is using a simple chocolate chip cookie to spread His love around my little town. Teenagers know they are loved. Adults know they are loved. God is doing that. He just lets me be the hands in the kitchen. And you know who is benefiting the most?? ME! I get to be the delivery girl and see the smiles on their faces. I get the “thank you” hugs. I get the therapeutic outlet of baking. I’m so thankful for my kitchen, chocolate chip cookies, and a God who lets me play a part in His story.

Can I Consider All of This Joy?

Marsh Creek State Park

I’ve been avoiding God. For three weeks or so, I’ve just been phoning it in where our relationship is concerned - doing the bare minimum. Why? Excellent question. I’m not entirely sure. I’m sitting beside a lake today (in my car because the wind is fierce, and hello, my hair) trying to figure it out.

When I left the house today, I asked God where He wanted me to go, and a picture of this lake popped into my head. I’ve come here before to get some peace and sort through things. I just stare at the water, try to calm my mind, and ask God what He needs to say to me. I don’t hear any audible voices or anything, but the absence of my usual daily distractions does allow me to pray, recall Scripture, and feel a renewed peace.

Anyway, today, as I sat there and asked God why I had been avoiding Him and what it was we needed to work out, a Bible verse very clearly came to mind: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). I immediately bristled and got prickly with God.

“No. I’m not ready to count it all joy.” - referring here to my many-years-long battle with brain injury and now struggles with walking and back pain.

But the verse was now on repeat in my head. Is this verse, this concept, why I’ve been avoiding Him? Did I know that this verse represented His new goal for me? That bar is too high. I can’t hit it. Shoot - I don’t even want to hit it.

Oh.

There’s the problem. I have no interest in calling this trial a "joy". I have no intention of obeying this Bible verse.

Talk about an eye-opener! Serious heart check moment.

Let me insert some clarification here. These posts have become a way for me to process my thoughts, pray, sort through Scripture, and figure out what God is saying to me. It’s my hope that by sharing the things God is teaching me - in very raw and honest words - someone else can be encouraged to seek answers and chase after what God is saying to her heart. As I journal my questions, doubts, and frustrations, my desire is that someone else will feel free to truly open her heart to God and trust Him to be gentle with all the broken parts. I firmly believe that Jesus wants us to come to Him just as we are - with questions, fears, doubts, frustrations, etc. So I’m putting all of mine out here and being open about the process of letting God work.

In the book of Mark (chapter 9), we read an account of a man who brings his son to Jesus for healing. The man says to Jesus, “If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus says, “All things are possible for one who believes”. The man cries out, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

That’s how I feel! I want to obey; help my disobedience!

It is my heart’s desire to obey and honor God. I want to! But to call this journey with brain injury “joy” is killing me. My spirit is in absolute opposition to it. My heels are dug in! But we don’t get to pick and choose scripture. That’s not how this works.

At this point, I spent a long time looking into James 1. Maybe somewhere I could find a wise Bible scholar who could show me what the Bible meant or how to obey this particular verse. Maybe more knowledge was what I needed. I looked up commentaries. I looked into word definitions. I learned that historians think that the author was Jesus’ brother. None of it told me how to count it all joy. So I stared at the lake and kept praying.

“Lord, I want to obey you. Please show me how.”

An author and speaker came to mind: Joni Eareckson Tada. Her story is one of honoring God in spite of becoming a quadriplegic. She is now dealing with chronic pain on top of her paralysis. I decided to google her. I could go on and on about the things I found, (if you ever want to be inspired by someone who has figured out how to live a life of joy in the midst of trials, y'all should look her up!) but here is the big gem: instead of the “how” to count my circumstances as joy, what if I looked for a “why”? So I looked for reasons for joy and found some!

Because of my situation, people are watching - my kids, folks in real life, and people on social media. Because people are watching, they will see how I respond. Because God gives me strength, I am mostly able to respond with positivity and laughter instead of sadness and despair. That gap between my natural response to this mess and the positive way I am able to react because of His strength can point those who are watching to Him! I can be a feature film about God’s kindness, and others can see Him as I navigate through this trial. That idea DOES bring me joy. That puts a huge smile in my heart.

So let’s wrap this up:

• Brain damage - not a joy
• Trouble walking - no joy there
• Daily struggles just to accomplish basic tasks - nope. No joy
• The opportunity to rely on God’s strength, to ask Him to guide my heart and mind as I respond to these trials and show His light to the world through positivity and laughter - YES! A major reason for joy!

So, starting today, I’m going to count my opportunity to show off His strength as a joy. Well, I’m gonna try. I'm bound to mess it up. But God has proven Himself to be infinitely patient as I try again. And again :-)

And I'm ordering Joni Eareckson Tada’s book “A Place Of Healing” this very minute!

Pride - the Thing God Hates Most is the Thing I'm Best At - Ugh

Pride has always been a major issue for me. God gives each of us gifts and abilities, but somewhere along the way, I decided that mine were more gifty and more able-y than other people.

My actual college diploma - I really
wish it listed my major - Mathematics -
but we can't have everything

It's really funny because with my "what can we do fun today?" attitude that doesn't seem to take anything seriously, people are always surprised when they discover a brain in my head. I used to be offended by their shock - "You studied math in college? Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I was there. I even taught math for a living." "But don't you have to be smart for that?" (yes, this exact conversation took place once.)  I didn't respond to that question. I just gave that person a look that let them know it had gone one step too far and she had better back up - fast. The thing is, she wasn't trying to be mean or funny. She was dead serious. She was just shocked that I had the mental capacity to be a math teacher. And I get that a lot. I'm not offended anymore. Really. Now it's just funny. Like a game. But I'm digressing here.

Between my intellect and my gifts with people, I've always been pretty pleased with how God put me

I spoke to a group of
moms on my 40th birthday
I was obviously very shy about
the fact that it was my birthday
(please insert face palm here)

together and the things I'm able to do. And even at the lowest points in my life, I've had confidence in my skills and my mind. And at many, many times in my life, that confidence has shown itself as pride - pride in my gifts, pride in my intellect, pride in my people skills, pride in my confidence, even when I was struggling. And that pride had me looking down on and judging others.

I hate admitting all of this. It's super ugly to see in black and white here on my laptop screen. And it makes me cringe to read. Pride is so ugly! It's the thing God hates the most! And for good reason! I have no right to be proud of my abilities - He gave them to me. I have no right to be boasting about my intelligence - that came from Him too. Everything I have - every gift, skill, ability, anything - is from Him, and I have no basis for pride in it. And yet -

The journey of my brain injury has done a real work on my pride issue. After I fell on my face and got a concussion I had to be in a dark, quiet room for a week. As I lay there, completely unproductive, using none of my gifts, being of no tangible value to anyone, my pride was taking a huge hit! My family's life went on without me. God's work was going on without me. I wasn't as necessary as I thought I was. The pity party that started hard that week eventually gave way to realizations that my pride levels were way out of control. Over the next few weeks as I adjusted to life with new limits (no driving, no texting, no email, very little working around the house), my pride continued to feel the blows. If I wasn't going to use my gifts and abilities, what good was I?

God used this time to sweetly and lovingly remind me that my gifts and abilities are not why I matter. I matter because He loves me. He loves me for me. Just me. Not because of anything I do or think or produce. Just because I exist. And He loved me long before I knew how to love Him back. I didn't do anything to earn His love, and I couldn't do anything to lose His love. I also, couldn't earn extra love by using my gifts and abilities to please Him. He's such a good, kind, loving God to be confirming His love for me while my pride was being torn down. I was being deconstructed and rebuilt correctly at the same time.

This is how I spent those first
few weeks. In the dark.
Completely useless. I still
have days/weeks like this.  

Over the last three and a half years, I thought my pride was pretty much conquered. I've battled dizziness, forgetfulness, serious confusion, and the cabin fever of being a shut-in when it gets really bad. And I've put most of that battle on social media. I'm hoping it can be both entertaining and encouraging to the folks who find it, but really, documenting my issues does help keep me humble. Ironically, I do still get tempted to be proud of my willingness to be so humble. Yes, it's that bad! Anyway, I thought I was through the worst of the pride conquering. Then this latest batch of symptoms hit.

This is me waiting for Drew
to come get me. We had gone for a
walk, and I couldn't finish. So I
had to sit down right on the
sidewalk and wait for him to go get
the car. 

My newest adventure - I'm having trouble walking. Yup - my brain and my feet aren't communicating well. I tell my feet to walk, and they don't get the memo. The result is that I end up walking like a drunk or even falling over. Super fun out in public! So I have to be helped out of places. By the arm. Very slowly. Like an old lady. And people turn and stare. It's not bad enough that I'm an imposition to the people I'm with - holding them up with my incredibly slow pace or needing them to go get the car because I can't walk that far - but now strangers are turning to look and wonder what's wrong me. The looks are brutal to my pride. And I thought I had this pride thing licked.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I want God to keep chipping away at me until the pride is all gone. If pride is the thing He hates most, I certainly don't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, all of my "get rid of the pride" experiences have really sucked. And I'm so over miserable experiences. I'd like to be done now.

I've told God exactly how I feel. I know He loves me and is doing what's best for me. I'm trying to be patient even though it's hard. And I'm proud of that :-)

Praying For Folks Who Are On My Last Nerve

Lately, I keep feeling compelled to pray for people I'm having issues with.

Praying for people I'm doing great with is so easy! I like people, and I enjoy praying for God to intervene in their lives.

But when I'm not doing well with folks - when we've had a falling out or when I'm annoyed with people - well, to be honest here, I would rather complain and distance myself from those who are stressing me out. Granted, this plan doesn't accomplish anything good or helpful; i's just been my pattern. Just being real here.

But recently, when I'm about to launch into a tirade, I feel this little nudge in my spirit to shut off the complaints and start praying. I've learned enough about obedience to know that I should listen. So I start praying. Today God nudged me to pray for someone I’m mad at. So I asked God what I should pray for? “I guess fire and brimstone are off the table?” I didn’t hear any laughter.

There is nothing holy in these stingy but obedient prayers of mine.  There is a lot of "Lord, you know that girl is making me crazy, and I need to you fix her! She has lost her ever loving mind! Please do something about that! Amen." About 60 seconds into a prayer like that I start to feel convicted of my judgmental attitude - God is sneaky like that, convicting me in the middle of praying for someone else.

So my prayer shifts a little bit: "Lord, maybe she's acting like a crazy person because she's going through something hard. Please help her with the hard thing and then please cure her crazy. Amen." About then, when I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for being so "others-focused" I feel a spiritual tap on the shoulder that isn't a recognition of a job well done. I know He wants me from me. Ugh. Fine.

Now, with a heavy sigh and slumped shoulders in recognition of where God wanted me to end up, I sound more like this: "Lord, please be with my friend. If she has a need, please meet it. If she has a hurt, please heal it. And Lord, if you want to use me to bless her, please soften my heart and show me what you need me to do. And Lord, please forgive my pride and judgmental attitude. I'm a hot mess. I know it, and you know it. I just lose sight of it from time to time when I get caught up pointing out other people's issues. Please forgive me and keep working on me. Thanks, God. Amen."

I wish I could say that it only takes one cycle through this lesson for me to fully learn it. I'm guessing God would prefer it that way too. But I'm a tough nut to crack. God has had to walk me through this lesson multiple times in the last few weeks. I think the process might be going quicker, which is a sign that I am starting to get the hang of it, but I have certainly not "arrived". I'm so thankful that God doesn't give up on us!!

It's a good and loving God who is patient with our weaknesses and gentle with our correction. He accepts us where we are and loves us too much to let us stay there.

I'm the Loud and Pushy One

The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.

 - Thales

So we covered who I’m not. Have you given any thought to who you are not?

The next step is figuring out who we ARE. I’ve been working on it. I still have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

I am a wife. I’ve been married almost 15 years, and I still like him. He is a really great guy. I guess I’ll refer to him as DH (dear husband) since that's what other bloggers do. 

- I wanted to come up with something catchy for him like FM (favorite man) 

or SM (soulmate), but I decided to conform. Yes, I see the irony here.  - 

He’s not perfect, but what we have is pretty special. I like being a wife – most of the time. I’m not always good at it, but most days I try to get it right.

I’m a mom. DH and I have three sons (S1, S2, and S3) ranging in ages from 10-5. They are great kids. Really. Not perfect, but really fun to be around. I really do try to be a good mom to my boys. But I don’t always succeed. I’m working on that too.

I’m a woman. I’m loud, pushy, and opinionated. I’m fiercely loyal to those I love. I offer to help without thinking about the cost to me and mine. That gets me in trouble a lot! I speak my mind – another thing that gets me in trouble. I don’t like to operate within the rules. I know they are there for a reason, but sometimes they just get in my way. I will open my house to almost anyone at any time (more on that later). I’m a good listener and a good empathizer. But I can’t stand stupid.

I’m a Christian. I believe in God, Jesus, and the Bible. I believe in truth and love. I believe in God’s grace (undeserved, unearned favor and kindness). I believe that God has a purpose in how I was designed and who I was meant to be.

So I am learning who I am and who I am not. I’m trying to let who God has made me to be guide my choices and priorities. I’m also working on being ok when who I am and who others want me to be don’t line up. Sometimes it’s still hard. Sometimes I wish I was “that woman” But I’m working on being ok with being me.

How are you doing being you? Are you ok with who you are and who you aren’t? Any tips with getting better at accepting who we are? I would love to hear from you.

Look, Mom! I started a blog!

All adventures, especially into new territory, are scary.
- Sally Ride

I’ve decided to start a blog. Maybe it’s because I can’t get anyone to listen to me soapbox (yes, I'm using soapbox as a verb. I soapbox often). Maybe it’s as a gift to my husband – if I tell you what's on my mind, he won’t have to listen to me. Maybe I just want to hear myself talk. Or maybe I have something to say. We’ll see :-)

Honestly, it's a little bit scary to think about putting my thoughts out into cyber space. What if no one reads it? What if the whole world disagrees with me? What if I start great out of the gate and then just quit because I get tired of it? I really don't want to fail.

I digress. Back to the point -

If you are new to my blog – and since this is the first post, everyone is new to my blog :-) then maybe you want to know what it is I might blog about. I’m going to blog about the things I’m passionate about

• Parenting
• Marriage
• Being an individual
• Priorities
• Faith
• Being genuine
• Grace

That’s not at all an exhaustive list, but those are the main ideas. No, I don’t pretend to be an expert on any of those topics. That would just be crazy talk. But I do know a thing or two about each one. You can let me know if anything I share is worth reading.