Pride - the Thing God Hates Most is the Thing I'm Best At - Ugh

Pride has always been a major issue for me. God gives each of us gifts and abilities, but somewhere along the way, I decided that mine were more gifty and more able-y than other people.

My actual college diploma - I really
wish it listed my major - Mathematics -
but we can't have everything

It's really funny because with my "what can we do fun today?" attitude that doesn't seem to take anything seriously, people are always surprised when they discover a brain in my head. I used to be offended by their shock - "You studied math in college? Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I was there. I even taught math for a living." "But don't you have to be smart for that?" (yes, this exact conversation took place once.)  I didn't respond to that question. I just gave that person a look that let them know it had gone one step too far and she had better back up - fast. The thing is, she wasn't trying to be mean or funny. She was dead serious. She was just shocked that I had the mental capacity to be a math teacher. And I get that a lot. I'm not offended anymore. Really. Now it's just funny. Like a game. But I'm digressing here.

Between my intellect and my gifts with people, I've always been pretty pleased with how God put me

I spoke to a group of
moms on my 40th birthday
I was obviously very shy about
the fact that it was my birthday
(please insert face palm here)

together and the things I'm able to do. And even at the lowest points in my life, I've had confidence in my skills and my mind. And at many, many times in my life, that confidence has shown itself as pride - pride in my gifts, pride in my intellect, pride in my people skills, pride in my confidence, even when I was struggling. And that pride had me looking down on and judging others.

I hate admitting all of this. It's super ugly to see in black and white here on my laptop screen. And it makes me cringe to read. Pride is so ugly! It's the thing God hates the most! And for good reason! I have no right to be proud of my abilities - He gave them to me. I have no right to be boasting about my intelligence - that came from Him too. Everything I have - every gift, skill, ability, anything - is from Him, and I have no basis for pride in it. And yet -

The journey of my brain injury has done a real work on my pride issue. After I fell on my face and got a concussion I had to be in a dark, quiet room for a week. As I lay there, completely unproductive, using none of my gifts, being of no tangible value to anyone, my pride was taking a huge hit! My family's life went on without me. God's work was going on without me. I wasn't as necessary as I thought I was. The pity party that started hard that week eventually gave way to realizations that my pride levels were way out of control. Over the next few weeks as I adjusted to life with new limits (no driving, no texting, no email, very little working around the house), my pride continued to feel the blows. If I wasn't going to use my gifts and abilities, what good was I?

God used this time to sweetly and lovingly remind me that my gifts and abilities are not why I matter. I matter because He loves me. He loves me for me. Just me. Not because of anything I do or think or produce. Just because I exist. And He loved me long before I knew how to love Him back. I didn't do anything to earn His love, and I couldn't do anything to lose His love. I also, couldn't earn extra love by using my gifts and abilities to please Him. He's such a good, kind, loving God to be confirming His love for me while my pride was being torn down. I was being deconstructed and rebuilt correctly at the same time.

This is how I spent those first
few weeks. In the dark.
Completely useless. I still
have days/weeks like this.  

Over the last three and a half years, I thought my pride was pretty much conquered. I've battled dizziness, forgetfulness, serious confusion, and the cabin fever of being a shut-in when it gets really bad. And I've put most of that battle on social media. I'm hoping it can be both entertaining and encouraging to the folks who find it, but really, documenting my issues does help keep me humble. Ironically, I do still get tempted to be proud of my willingness to be so humble. Yes, it's that bad! Anyway, I thought I was through the worst of the pride conquering. Then this latest batch of symptoms hit.

This is me waiting for Drew
to come get me. We had gone for a
walk, and I couldn't finish. So I
had to sit down right on the
sidewalk and wait for him to go get
the car. 

My newest adventure - I'm having trouble walking. Yup - my brain and my feet aren't communicating well. I tell my feet to walk, and they don't get the memo. The result is that I end up walking like a drunk or even falling over. Super fun out in public! So I have to be helped out of places. By the arm. Very slowly. Like an old lady. And people turn and stare. It's not bad enough that I'm an imposition to the people I'm with - holding them up with my incredibly slow pace or needing them to go get the car because I can't walk that far - but now strangers are turning to look and wonder what's wrong me. The looks are brutal to my pride. And I thought I had this pride thing licked.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I want God to keep chipping away at me until the pride is all gone. If pride is the thing He hates most, I certainly don't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, all of my "get rid of the pride" experiences have really sucked. And I'm so over miserable experiences. I'd like to be done now.

I've told God exactly how I feel. I know He loves me and is doing what's best for me. I'm trying to be patient even though it's hard. And I'm proud of that :-)

Back to Writing? I Really, Really, Hope So!!

Ocean City, NJ, is my little slice
of beach heaven

We took a week's vacation down the shore this summer (that's Pennsylvania talk for being at the beach). While we were there, I did a lot of writing - journaling, writing down prayers, just jotting down random thoughts. About 4 days in - I'm really slow to catch on to things - I realized that I had been doing a ton of writing, and that I was really enjoying it! I used to write all the time! I mean, you are here - on my blog - where I used to write every week. My brain injury, among other things, got in the way of that writing for a long time. I missed it! I tried vlogging for a while, but let’s be honest - I wasn't very good at it.

There were two major problems with the vlogging situation:

1. Consistency was an issue - making videos is just more difficult, technically speaking, than writing a few paragraphs. The house has to be empty- otherwise, you can hear my kids yelling at video games in the background. I can't be in my pjs - that look totally undercuts any message I'm trying to send :-) Uploading requires real internet connections and not just my phone in the Target parking lot. See! Issues. So I had a really hard time being a consistent vlogger. I just couldn't put out videos on a regular basis.
2. Content was also an issue - I was trying too hard to avoid the elephant in the room. I didn't want to be "that girl". You know - that girl who writes/vlogs/whatever about her chronic condition. I so badly want to be more than my brain injury that I was avoiding talking about it. But it is a very real part of my life, so avoiding it was stupid and led to vlogging that was less than authentic. 

So let's try a fresh start -

My ER pic from 2015
Smiling cuz I have no idea
how much our lives were
about to change

My name is Dawn, and I have a traumatic brain injury with chronic migraines. It affects every aspect of my life and the lives of my family. I was injured in March, 2015, and the last 3.5 years have been full of life, lessons, laughter, limitations (whoa! check out that alliteration!), challenges, blessings, and the full gamut of emotions as I have learned how to cope with a new - and ever-changing “normal”.

In case you haven’t made it to my “about me” page (or in case it’s not up to date, which is possible), I’m happily married to Drew - we just celebrated our 20th anniversary in December. We have three sons - two in high school and one in middle school. Our home is loud, usually happy, smells like sweaty boy, chaotic with sports, band and work schedules, and someone is always eating. I love it! But my injury has changed our family. We all had to learn how to adapt to a new “normal”. This isn’t just MY chronic condition. It’s OUR chronic condition.

Oh how I wish my injury story was glamorous! Or noble! Or heroic! But it’s not. It’s so lame. I slipped on wet tile and fell down on my face. I went straight down like a tree. I landed on my chin and rattled my brain. I’m told I made an epic sound when I went splat. I don’t remember that part, but it’s nice to know I made an impression. Brains don’t like to be rattled. A concussion that was supposed to heal in under 6 weeks led to outpatient physical therapy after 6 months and then to daily migraines and confusion after a year. Now, 3.5 years in, I never know which version of me is going to wake up: the semi-capable adult who can make it through a day with some head pain but who can fake “normal” and parent well, the pain-riddled migraine sufferer who is in agony and has to stay in bed and can’t cope, or the dazed and confused fruitcake who looks competent on the outside but gets lost on the way to the grocery store. Once we know how a day is going to go, the whole family can adjust and adapt as needed. We’ve gotten pretty good at it. It’s just tricky not knowing.

But I’m so much more than my brain injury! I’m a woman with hopes and dreams and a huge love of life! I think that’s why I held off writing about it for so long. I don’t want my injury to define me. I don’t want to be “the girl with brain damage”. I’m fun! I love to laugh and make other people laugh. I enjoy baking and travel and talking to people! I love a party! I just have to work the things I enjoy into the limitations of my life. This is my reality.

So where does writing fit in to this? What am I rambling on about? I’m telling you, my very patient friends, that I’m going to come back to blogging. Well, I’m going to try. I always have something to say :-) It may be about parenting, marriage, what God is teaching me from His word, or even (heavy sigh) my brain injury and what it’s like to deal with a chronic condition. I can’t promise consistency. But that is my goal. I can’t promise anything wise or deep. There are many other bloggers doing wise and deep out there. But I can promise authenticity. And laughter. Life is too short to take anything too seriously. Even a brain injury.

((In between blog posts, I'm all about InstaStories! You can find me posting stories on Instagram almost daily as @comeoverforcoffee))

Want To Hear About One Of My Favorite Places?

I need to preface today's post with this - what you are about to read is not an advertisement. The place I'm blogging about today has no idea they are the topic of my blog. They are not paying me to tell you about it, and there is nothing in it for me other than sharing my love of something with you. I simply want you to see it through my eyes and feel my excitement. Why? Because it makes me happy. And maybe it will make you happy too.
******************************************************************************************
Today I’m in the mood to tell you about one of my favorite places on earth.

Bright colors.

Magical words.

Great food.

Free childcare.

Spectacular displays.

A feast for the imagination.

Have you guessed yet?

I’m talking about Ikea!

Have you ever been to Ikea?

Let’s start with what I see as I drive up: a bright blue building with bold yellow letters, flags waving in the breeze announcing the name of this magical place. Already, I can feel the excitement!

So I park and go in.

Inside, the first thing I see is an escalator that will take me to creativity on display. But behind the escalator is a special treat – free childcare! I can drop my children off to be cared for by conscientious, screened Ikea employees while I shop!

So, child-free, I ride the escalator. I hold my breath in anticipation the way a child does walking through the gate at Disney World.

And then I reach the top to find display after display of the most cleverly designed items ever!

There are bedrooms, dining room, home offices, kitchens, and even patios on display.

The chairs and light fixtures have shapes I never could have imagined. The practicality of every piece is genius!

Then there are the names! Every item Ikea sells has a distinct name. Most are names I’ve never heard of. I’m convinced that some of the names are an attempt at humor, and some are just letters put together at random. Here are a few of my favorites: 

• A rug called Soften
•  A flashlight named Ljusa
•  A throw blanket called Gurli
•  A pot with a lid called Favorit
•  A brandy glass named Optimal
•  A screwdriver dubbed Fixa
•  A trivet called Heat
•  And my brother-in-law’s favorite – a spatula named Skrapa

I could wander Ikea for hours. I love to see all the new products and imagine them in my home.

But my time in the childcare is up. They only give you 90 minutes, then it's time to pick up the kids. And I promised them 50 cent hotdogs for lunch (Ikea makes a really good hot dog!).

So my wandering is over. I'll have to come back another day.


Want to enjoy your own Ikea moment? Click here to go to Ikea's Locator site.



Linking up with Calm My Crazy. 

Happy Two Month Blogiversary to Us!!

Do you know what today is? It's the two month blogiversary of Come Over For Coffee!!

Happy Two Month Blogiversary!

I've been blogging for two whole months!! And you have been reading and commenting for two whole months!!

Hooray for us!!

Thank you so much for reading. Without you, my blogging would be pointless. It blows my mind every time someone says they read my posts. When you tell me that something I wrote impacted you, I am so touched! When you leave me a comment sharing your thoughts, I am honored!

So thank you!! And congratulations on our milestone!

Here's to you!

Have a killer cup of coffee today to celebrate!

Not a Real Post

No good quote today - can't find one that fits the moment
 - me

Here's my dilemma today - I really want to come up with a funny, touching, meaningful post today, but I just can't.

I think I've really been bitten by the blog bug. It's so much fun to think up topics and come up with quotes and pictures to go with it. Then I wait anxiously for your comments. Then I brainstorm upgrades to my blog site that I need DH to implement for me. This blogging thing is FUN!

But today, I'm only working with about 25% of my usual witty self. I had minor dental surgery yesterday. According to my dentist, I would experience minimal pain and be right as rain by dinner time yesterday.  Yeah right. I was knocked flat all day yesterday by the pain meds. And today, I feel like I have absolutely no mental or physical energy.

So I can't come up with a clever, life-improving post. I can barely spell my name today.

But I wanted you to know you have been thought about. My heart wants to blog, but my brain just wants a nap :-) I'll do better tomorrow.