Pride - the Thing God Hates Most is the Thing I'm Best At - Ugh

Pride has always been a major issue for me. God gives each of us gifts and abilities, but somewhere along the way, I decided that mine were more gifty and more able-y than other people.

My actual college diploma - I really
wish it listed my major - Mathematics -
but we can't have everything

It's really funny because with my "what can we do fun today?" attitude that doesn't seem to take anything seriously, people are always surprised when they discover a brain in my head. I used to be offended by their shock - "You studied math in college? Are you sure?" "Yes. Yes, I'm sure. I was there. I even taught math for a living." "But don't you have to be smart for that?" (yes, this exact conversation took place once.)  I didn't respond to that question. I just gave that person a look that let them know it had gone one step too far and she had better back up - fast. The thing is, she wasn't trying to be mean or funny. She was dead serious. She was just shocked that I had the mental capacity to be a math teacher. And I get that a lot. I'm not offended anymore. Really. Now it's just funny. Like a game. But I'm digressing here.

Between my intellect and my gifts with people, I've always been pretty pleased with how God put me

I spoke to a group of
moms on my 40th birthday
I was obviously very shy about
the fact that it was my birthday
(please insert face palm here)

together and the things I'm able to do. And even at the lowest points in my life, I've had confidence in my skills and my mind. And at many, many times in my life, that confidence has shown itself as pride - pride in my gifts, pride in my intellect, pride in my people skills, pride in my confidence, even when I was struggling. And that pride had me looking down on and judging others.

I hate admitting all of this. It's super ugly to see in black and white here on my laptop screen. And it makes me cringe to read. Pride is so ugly! It's the thing God hates the most! And for good reason! I have no right to be proud of my abilities - He gave them to me. I have no right to be boasting about my intelligence - that came from Him too. Everything I have - every gift, skill, ability, anything - is from Him, and I have no basis for pride in it. And yet -

The journey of my brain injury has done a real work on my pride issue. After I fell on my face and got a concussion I had to be in a dark, quiet room for a week. As I lay there, completely unproductive, using none of my gifts, being of no tangible value to anyone, my pride was taking a huge hit! My family's life went on without me. God's work was going on without me. I wasn't as necessary as I thought I was. The pity party that started hard that week eventually gave way to realizations that my pride levels were way out of control. Over the next few weeks as I adjusted to life with new limits (no driving, no texting, no email, very little working around the house), my pride continued to feel the blows. If I wasn't going to use my gifts and abilities, what good was I?

God used this time to sweetly and lovingly remind me that my gifts and abilities are not why I matter. I matter because He loves me. He loves me for me. Just me. Not because of anything I do or think or produce. Just because I exist. And He loved me long before I knew how to love Him back. I didn't do anything to earn His love, and I couldn't do anything to lose His love. I also, couldn't earn extra love by using my gifts and abilities to please Him. He's such a good, kind, loving God to be confirming His love for me while my pride was being torn down. I was being deconstructed and rebuilt correctly at the same time.

This is how I spent those first
few weeks. In the dark.
Completely useless. I still
have days/weeks like this.  

Over the last three and a half years, I thought my pride was pretty much conquered. I've battled dizziness, forgetfulness, serious confusion, and the cabin fever of being a shut-in when it gets really bad. And I've put most of that battle on social media. I'm hoping it can be both entertaining and encouraging to the folks who find it, but really, documenting my issues does help keep me humble. Ironically, I do still get tempted to be proud of my willingness to be so humble. Yes, it's that bad! Anyway, I thought I was through the worst of the pride conquering. Then this latest batch of symptoms hit.

This is me waiting for Drew
to come get me. We had gone for a
walk, and I couldn't finish. So I
had to sit down right on the
sidewalk and wait for him to go get
the car. 

My newest adventure - I'm having trouble walking. Yup - my brain and my feet aren't communicating well. I tell my feet to walk, and they don't get the memo. The result is that I end up walking like a drunk or even falling over. Super fun out in public! So I have to be helped out of places. By the arm. Very slowly. Like an old lady. And people turn and stare. It's not bad enough that I'm an imposition to the people I'm with - holding them up with my incredibly slow pace or needing them to go get the car because I can't walk that far - but now strangers are turning to look and wonder what's wrong me. The looks are brutal to my pride. And I thought I had this pride thing licked.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I want God to keep chipping away at me until the pride is all gone. If pride is the thing He hates most, I certainly don't want anything to do with it. On the other hand, all of my "get rid of the pride" experiences have really sucked. And I'm so over miserable experiences. I'd like to be done now.

I've told God exactly how I feel. I know He loves me and is doing what's best for me. I'm trying to be patient even though it's hard. And I'm proud of that :-)

I'm Making Me Crazy!

Stubborn isn't a word I would use to describe myself; pigheaded is more appropriate. 

 -  Michael Bloomberg

This is not the post I thought I would publish this week. But that’s ok.

I’m grumpy today.

Last night, our evening went off in the ditch. Nothing happened like it was supposed to.

I’m supposed to be strong enough to handle the unexpected stuff of life. And sometimes I am, but last night I cracked. I texted my husband to come home from the meeting he was attending to help me deal with the crud life was handing me at the moment.

{I’m very blessed to be able to say that he came right away. He’s a good man!}

Together, we dealt with the stuff that was going on. This morning, I’m continuing to clean up the mess that life handed us. I had today all mapped out. And it’s not going at all according to plan. And that’s making me grumpy. I’m doing what needs to be done, but I’m really annoyed about it.

And how is my attitude is playing out? I’m ignoring God.

You heard me right. I’m frustrated with what He let happen last night, so I’m being petty and ignoring Him. My Bible and Bible study notebook are sitting on the dining room table. They are just waiting for me to sit down and have some time with the One who loves me and only wants the best for me. But I’m ignoring Him.

                        

It makes absolutely no sense. I know that time with God restores me. I know it brings peace and fellowship with the One who knows me best and loves me most. But I’m resisting.

Why?

Because being petty is self-centered. Being selfish and having a pity party gives me license to mope, feel sorry for myself, and pout. Time with the Lord is going to expose my selfishness and turn my eyes to Him. It’s going to open my eyes to my petty behavior. Then I’m going to have to decide to confess my behavior or not. And I’d rather enjoy my pity party a bit longer, I think.

As I type this, I know I’m making a stupid choice. I’m confessing to a public audience instead of sitting down in private with God. I’m actually shaking my head at my own foolishness.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because maybe my struggles with my attitude, reality vs. expectations, and taking it all out on God will help someone who reads this post. Maybe it will be an encouragement to know that you are not alone in wishing life would follow the script you wrote. Maybe it will help to know that you aren’t the only one who gets mad at God when life goes off in the ditch. And maybe being reminded that time with Him is the only cure for life’s curveballs will send you – and me – back to Him, where we belong.

This Is What I Was Born To Do!

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
 - Confucius

I'm back! And I missed you. I can't believe how long it's been since I posted last! Life really can get in the way of blogging sometimes.

Today, I'm dying to tell you about the event we were a part of this weekend. I found myself doing exactly what I was born and designed to do. And that is an amazing feeling!

DH and I lead a basketball and cheerleading league through Upward Sports. We are entering our 7th year of Upward Basketball and Cheerleading, and I absolutely love it!! We run about 450 basketball players and cheerleaders. I'm completely involved alongside DH (the director of the whole program), and our boys are involved too. I can't imagine life without Upward in it.



This past weekend, we held our Upward Player Evaluations. That means that the players and cheerleaders come to the gym to try on uniforms and run drills (basketball players). We use the information from Evals to order uniforms and make even teams.

At Evals, it's my job to be the greeter and "traffic cop" of sorts. I'm the first face that our Upward families see when they come in the door. I stood in one spot for four hours and greeted over 300 players/cheerleaders and their families. Some were brand new to our program, and others have been playing/cheering with us for years. I answered questions about the program, sent them to the correct spot in the building for drills and uniforms, and basically tried to make them feel welcome.

I loved every minute of it!! I saw people I have come to care about, pitched a program I firmly believe in, handled administrative details, and loved on little children.

Here's why my role this weekend was such a great fit for me - 

• Greet people as they came in - God has given me a knack for names. I just remember them. So when the folks came in, I was able to greet many of them by name. I was able to ask about their families and their friends. I could tell them that their best friend just came through and was in the gym or that I had just seen their coach from last year, and he was going to coach again. Remembering details about their lives made our people feel at home and welcomed. I can't take any credit for it. God made me this way. But I absolutely loved being able to use that gift to make people feel cared about.  
• Answer questions about the Upward program - some of the folks who came in Saturday were brand new to Upward. They had heard about us and wanted to give it a shot, but most had questions or concerns that needed to be addressed. Because God has given me a bubbly personality (to put it lightly - I tend to gush about the things I love), I was able to handle any questions with complete confidence in the program. I could look into the eyes of a little five-year old and put them at ease about trying something new. I could tell a dad that his new cheerleader wouldn't be learning anything inappropriate. I could promise a nervous basketball parent that their child's coach would be kind and would teach their new ball player everything they need to know.
• Handle administrative details - because God has given me an eye for detail, I've been able to help DH as an unofficial assistant director of Upward. I'm able to help with the details of teams and coaches and dates and cost. And then when the questions come from the parents, I'm able to answer them. 

Where in the world am I going with this? 

No, this is not a commercial for Upward Sports. They haven't asked me to promote them, and there is nothing in it for me. I do believe that Upward Sports is an amazing program. I would highly recommend that if you aren't involved in Upward (as a volunteer or as a parent of a player/cheerleader), you look for a league in your area. If you've never heard of Upward Sports before, look them up. It's a wonderful program! Click on the image to learn more about Upward Sports.

Here on my blog, I've done a lot of self-analysis over the last few months. I've looked at my strengths and my weaknesses. I'm learning that when I know how I was designed, and when I put my gifts and abilities to use helping others, I'm at my most fulfilled in life. I'm working alongside my family, using my talents, and serving my community. And it's wonderful!

What about you? Have you found a way to put your strengths and abilities to work in a way that brings you joy? I'd love to hear about it. If you haven't found your "thing" yet, don't quit looking! Try something new. If that doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find that "thing" that sparks you - that thing that lets you be the person you were made to be. 

Using the Pieces to See The Whole Picture

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory."
 - Douglas MacArthur

We've talked a lot about figuring out who we are. We've listed our strengths and cataloged our weaknesses. So now what? What do we do with all that we've discovered about ourselves?


We are unique and that makes us valuable! 

We have our lists. Like ingredients in a recipe, our strengths and weaknesses probably aren't unique. But the way they are put together and the proportions that have been used make us unique dishes. And things that are unique are valuable. Why are rare coins worth so much money? Because they are rare! The same thing goes for other collectible items - the more rare it is, the more it's worth. People are valuable because they are unique!! If we were all the same, a bunch of us would be unnecessary.  So let's take pride in our ingredients. If they were different, we wouldn't be who we are - and no, wishing to be someone else is no good. Want to know a secret? Most women I've spoken to have wished to be someone else. The extroverts want to be introverts and vice verse. The perfect ones want the freedom to be real, and the openly flawed ones desperately want to be perfect. I know because they've been telling me! Can we all just be happy with who we are? We have been created intentionally and for a purpose! Let's take pride in that.

Our strengths and weaknesses can be used as a road map to being our best self. 

Now that we know our strengths and weaknesses, we can put ourselves on the road to being the best version of who we were designed to be.

I want to hone my strengths! I want to work towards fostering them and making the most of my gifts. For example, since one of my strengths is being comfortable with quick decisions and speaking in front of others, I decided to help head up our PTO at school. I am using my strengths in a way that helps others and helps me improve my skills.

I also want to work on my weaknesses. I want to get better at the things that are hard for me.  PTO is forcing me to work on my tunnel vision issues (I lose sight of the people involved in the tasks and just try to get it done) and on my pride. PTO is a relatively thankless role. It's hard work with no pay and little credit for a good reason. Volunteering, knowing that there probably won't be anything in it for me, is helping me be a better servant and focus less on myself - lessons I really need to learn.

Our strengths don't make us better than others, and our weaknesses don't make us less than others.

If everyone around us has strengths and weaknesses, and they do, then none of us is better than another. That "perfect mom" in the preschool drop off line has her own issues. The extroverted "happy mom" has stuff she struggles with. The shy "quiet mom" is working on herself and her list too.

So next time we see something in ourselves we don't like, instead of beating ourselves up and wishing we were someone else, let's remember that everyone out there has issues. We are all alike in that.You aren't any less than any other woman out there! Don't forget it!

On the flip side, next time I see something in myself that I like, I need to remember that I'm not the only one in the world with something to offer. I'm not any better than the other women out there just because I have a strength. They do too! I need to turn my focus off myself and onto the gifts of those around me.
 

Putting It All Out There Today - Please Be Kind

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses”
 - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't want to write this post. I really don't want to air my weaknesses for public viewing. But after the post about figuring out who we are and the one where I proudly proclaimed my strengths, I've kind of boxed myself in. I can't really preach self-awareness and refuse to face my weaknesses. I've been putting off this post, but it's time.

My mouth gets me in trouble - My comfort level with myself and others means that I often speak without thinking. I have embarrassed myself and those I care about. I have offended those I'm speaking to and sometime those I'm speaking about. Being comfortable often short-circuits my filter. I can't tell you how many times I wish I could take back something I've said. I could just write this issue off. I could just say that it's how God made me. I say what I'm thinking - deal with it. But I firmly believe that I must be held responsible for what I say. I've written about how my words matter before. I truly believe that. My personality and my confidence are no excuse for saying something hurtful, thoughtless, or just plain rude. And yet, I do it way too often.

I can't tolerate a lengthy decision process - I can't tell you how many time a quick decision has gotten me in trouble. The time-savings that comes from deciding quickly can be totally offset by a bad decision. In my haste to keep moving, I miss options, alternatives and consequences. I hate backtracking and fixing my mistakes, but my quick decision making sometimes forces me to do just that. And sometimes the wrong decisions are very costly!

I get so focused on a task that I get tunnel-vision - the problem with focus is that it runs right over people. I see the task to be done and not the people involved. I end up bossing everybody around. I put relationships at risk and lose sight of what's really important - people.

So far, the list of my weaknesses has been made up of the dark side of some of my strengths. But this next one does not have any redeeming virtues.

I'm pretty full of myself. Dang, I don't want to admit that to you. I want you to like me. I want you to think I'm a fun girl you want to have a cup of coffee with. This weakness could put your idea of me at risk. But I'm trying to be very real with you. So, yes, I'm pretty wrapped up in me. I like who I am and how I do things. I'm almost always convinced I'm right (if I didn't think I was right, why would I do it that way?). And if you disagree with me, you must be wrong (if I'm sure I'm right, and you disagree, doesn't that have to mean you are wrong?). Wow. I'm really putting it all out there. My pride also makes it really tough for me to be told what to do. And I don't do well with unsolicited opinions either. There is a whole post on that coming. It's a big deal for me.

Whew! I'm feeling a little exposed right now. That was rough. I looked in the mirror and showed you all the things I didn't like.

Why in the world am I doing this? Because I want to inspire you! I want you to look in the mirror and really take inventory. Don't be afraid of your weaknesses. We all have them. Having weaknesses doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you any less of a person than anyone else. Everyone, even those who seem to have it all together, has weaknesses.

I would love for you to be able to admit yours to yourself (Does not have to be a public admission - just because I'm willing to air it all for public viewing doesn't mean you have to.) and then realize that they don't define you. You are not only weaknesses. We listed our strengths last week. I want us to have a balanced view of ourselves - good and bad. Then we can move on to being the person God made us to be!

I've got to go eat some Ben and Jerry's. I need to feel better about myself.



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